tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75326332947880583392024-03-19T13:18:42.297+10:00A Normal, Autistic Enbykezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.comBlogger153125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-779172038941609652020-03-29T21:37:00.000+10:002020-03-29T21:37:17.738+10:00The Ben Cousins Interview.This is going to be quite emotional. No apologies.<div>
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I've just watched the Ben Cousins interview on Channel 7 (more like an interrogation). Hearing all of those questions being asked of someone who is still sick in the accusatory tone that they were just got my back up something fierce. </div>
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Now, before I say anything further, I know full well that the only one responsible for Ben Cousins is Ben Cousins. He is the only one who can decide he's ready to take the steps to getting better. Unfortunately I don't think interviews like this help one bit.</div>
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Back at the end of 2014 I had a total mental breakdown and became depressed. I watched, wracked with guilt and self-loathing as my house turned into a total dump and my job slipped away from me. I hated myself every minute of it, and I wanted to fix it so badly. The problem was, I could barely move out of bed. Every day that my boss let me have sick leave was a relief. I'm still ashamed to this day of the mess I made of everything, even though I'm years removed from it. It took me a long time to get help and turn my life around - and I've never been addicted to anything apart from nicotine (275 days ciggie-free!). </div>
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Every time someone saw the mess I was in. Every time my bosses dragged me in to rip into me for taking so much time off. That guilt piled on top of me, like it was trying to push me back under the water. I feel like this interview, and some of the questions and the way they were asked, would do the same for Ben. He should never have agreed to it. Channel 7 should have known better than to offer it. This was just a bad, bad, BAD idea all around. Hope Channel 7 enjoy all that $$$.</div>
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If you're suffering drug addiction, depression, anxiety - it's hard. You want to fix things but you're stuck. The biggest thing you can do is reach out for professional help. Feel free to shop around to find the mental health professional that suits you. You might need medication, you might not. The most important thing though is to forgive yourself. You're sick. Your actions might have contributed to your illness, but no one is perfect. You have your entire future to do better and be better, you just have to give yourself the chance. Be kind to yourself.</div>
kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-82764938779501651662020-03-10T21:06:00.002+10:002020-03-10T21:06:30.916+10:00Do you want a membership to a sports club?So footy season (of various codes) is upon the Great Southern Land again. Many of us sports fans have already invested in our favourite team, but for those that haven't, a few considerations:<br />
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1. Money.<br />
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This is a hard one, but thankfully if you want to show your support to your team then most clubs offer packages at various levels for various prices. How many games can you attend? How many people are you paying for? Do you have pets you want to join up?<br />
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2. Travel.<br />
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Not only does travel cost $$$ but it takes time and can make a night out a very, VERY long night (try driving 2 hours after a night game and getting home around midnight). If you can utilize public transport then definitely look into it. Also, if you're driving, make sure you check on parking as many stadiums have parking exclusion zones around them that can hurt your hip pocket.<br />
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3. Loyalty.<br />
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This one is simple: Are you going to stick around even if the team starts losing everything including the kitchen sink? Are you going to try your best to make it to all the games you can? Are you going to defend your club to the death, while also acknowledging there are just some things you have to shake your head at?<br />
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If you answered yes, then welcome to the club. Welcome to sitting in the same seat all year and making great friends around you. Welcome to family, togetherness and identity.<br />
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If you answered no and are going to turn in your membership as soon as the losses pile up: Kindly fuck off and return to cheating on your spouse. In fact, if you're someone who was formerly a member and is now returning to a winning team, I hope you get what you deserve. You filthy bandwagoners are making it that much less enjoyable for the REAL fans who know what loyalty looks like. You come in, force us out of finals tickets, get into fights, bag out the team when they do the slightest thing wrong, you leave when there is even a chance we can lose, you eat all the food and you make getting in and out of the game harder than it needs to be, you selfish mongrel.<br />
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This is from someone who has only missed 2 Brisbane Lions home games since 2006. From someone who went to every single Brisbane Lions game in 2013. From someone who loves their club and what it has given them. Being a club member isn't a social status, it's a commitment and if you're not ready for that, then get back into GA or watch from home.kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-32156807603462479512020-01-11T21:04:00.002+10:002020-01-11T21:04:42.011+10:00Little Women: My Take on Amy MarchI'm definitely on my own here, but I've always loved Amy March, just as much as I love her sisters. Sure she starts out spoiled, but she becomes a level-headed, generous woman and honestly, it pisses me off no end that they never show her complete ownage of the Chester Fair. When Mrs. Chester boots her off the stall that she put so much time in effort into, she could have hit the roof, stormed off and not taken part. Instead, after a brief sulk, she put her best effort in and rose above, impressing everyone.<br />
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The big thing people bring up though is when she burnt Jos stories. Dear god, if I had a dollar for every time I've lost a story to my own stupidity, corrupted hard drives, or just plain misplacing handwritten notes I'd never have to work again. The thing is, every time it's happened I've either re-evaluated and realized it was no great loss, or gone back and written something even better. It's a hard, hard blow, but not one that you can't come back from.<br />
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However, losing one's sister on the other hand is something you can NEVER fix. I love my sisters more than I can say, and while I'd quite happily throttle them sometimes, if anything ever happened to them I could never recover. They are both extremely talented young ladies and both of them are good-hearted, hard working sorts. Losing them would be a million, billion, bajillon times worse than losing some story.<br />
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And I bet if you asked Jo March she'd tell you the exact same things about Amy. I've seen blogs recently where people have suggested Jo should have left Amy to drown! First off, who the hell puts a story above a human life, and secondly, who puts a story above their OWN SISTER?! Disclaimer, I know there are some family members you are definitely better without, but even then I don't recommend killing them (unless in self-defence). Can we please be reasonable about this?<br />
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Dislike Amy if you must, but don't expect her sister to see it the same way. Because like Jo, I'm a big sister and as a big sister I can tell you this right now: You even THINK of hurting my sisters and I will hunt you down and make your life miserable.kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-44333842927681813712019-07-03T19:56:00.002+10:002019-07-03T19:56:59.139+10:00Mental health and your workplaceSince starting my new job (looooooooooooong story about being fired in August last year and spending three months unemployed) I've had the opportunity to really push the mental health bandwagon and talk to people about talking seriously about mental health.<br />
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Talking about mental health is hard. I think there's a couple of reasons for this:<br />
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-Fear of judgement/punishment - I think this speaks for itself. We're scared of people punishing us for our issues, whether it's being fired for taking time off to cope or people thinking we're not capable of doing our jobs etc.<br />
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-Pride - We don't want to be seen as weak. We don't want to burden others with our problems. We want to be able to fight it ourselves, to prove how strong we are.<br />
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-Don't know how - A lot of people don't know how to talk about their emotions or their mental health. How do you even start the conversation? What are the words for the things we're feeling? Who do I go to for help?<br />
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So, in order to help people talk about these things, I've started doing monthly "Mental Health" sessions at our weekly meeting. You would be surprised how many people open up when they know they're in a safe place and they learn how to talk about these things. Some of the activities I've come up with so far are:<br />
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- Anonymous positive messages. Passing around a hat with names, and you have to write an anonymous positive message to the person whose name you got<br />
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- Word Association. Everyone has 30 seconds to write down as many words that they associate with a particular word. Great for showing how differently people use language and how the same word might have a different meaning to different people.<br />
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- Death by PowerPoint. Trust me, PowerPoint presentations don't have to be boring. If you use them as a way to generate discussion instead of talking at people, you can really bring people out of their shells.<br />
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Regular talks about mental health not only encourages people to speak up, it increases morale and brings the team closer together. Instead of just relying on things like "R U Okay Day" and brushing it under the carpet the rest of the year, make the effort to keep the conversation going all year.kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-71286940344417898412018-05-19T17:37:00.000+10:002018-05-19T17:37:06.119+10:00Employment and NeurodiversitySo, for those who have been following me on Twitter/Facebook/Instagram, you'll be aware that I have a new job. I've been there a week, and while it's a bit overwhelming, it's also been extremely positive, especially the reception to the news that I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder.<br />
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A lot of people on the spectrum that I speak to often lament that telling employers that you have a mental illness/personality disorder/are neurodiverse often means that they are excluded from jobs. This means that they don't reveal their condition, often trying their best to disguise it. This is a BAD idea for a lot of reasons, the biggest one being the damage it does to the individual. Trying to mask neurodiversity is HARD, and it takes a lot of energy that could be instead focused on getting the job done. Following on from that, I then hear stories of people starting to burn out, get sick and ultimately get fired for poor performance. No need to explain why this is bad - getting fired repeatedly from jobs makes it harder to gain subsequent employment.<br />
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So, my plan has always been from the start to be open and honest about my condition. A lot of people will scoff at me for this, but I look at it this way - if someone doesn't want to employ me because of my condition, then I really don't want to work for them. You don't want to work for an employer that doesn't want to work with you in getting the best out of you.<br />
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That being said, there are ways that you can make this a positive:<br />
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- No one knows you better than you. So before you start applying for jobs, work on a plan. Think about the things that you need to be a good worker and about the things that can potentially go wrong. Click <a href="https://drive.google.com/open?id=1mn8Qx6fVrcAutxs4KaKLb3ENYWmjqYGZ" target="_blank">here </a>to see a copy of my "Quick Aspergers Syndrome Guide" that I have printed out on my desk.<br />
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- Make sure you tell potential employers at the interview. Frame it as a positive - mention that you have a plan and you're happy to answer questions. Not only will this make it easier for employers to help you, it also shows initiative and planning, which any employer will value!<br />
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- Keep the lines of communication open. Things change, including in your personal life, that affect how you work. Also, new strategies and treatments are becoming available all the time.<br />
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- You don't have to tell your employer everything, and there are some things that you will be telling your manager that you won't need to tell your coworkers.<br />
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For employers: Please, PLEASE don't dismiss applicants just because they're neurodiverse. You wouldn't dismiss someone for being in a wheelchair (unless of course, it was a physically demanding job). Consider them as a whole person, and if you can work with them and they will fit into your business then definitely hire them. You might have to make a change or two, but if you dismiss neurodiverse people out-of-hand, you could potentially be missing out on a great employee.<br />
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I always try to be open and honest about my Aspergers. It helps build trust and respect, and it means if something does go wrong, my coworkers, managers and myself are well-placed to minimise the damage and get me back to working my best.<br />
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Good luck to everyone, whether you're looking for a job or whether you're looking for the next member of your team.kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-86190264899838837322018-05-05T09:21:00.004+10:002018-05-05T09:21:52.716+10:00Bullying is like ChocolateOne thing I've noticed is that no one wants to acknowledge the fact that being a successful bully is a very rewarding behaviour. Whether it's asserting your power over someone else, or muscling someone else out of a job that you want, bullying can be very, very satisfying.<br />
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The only thing is, this satisfaction is only short-term. You feel the rush of power, of successfully bringing someone down, but soon that wears off and you need a new victim. Just like a chocolate bar. A sweet, sugary chocolate treat that tastes so good going down but soon the chocolate bar is gone and you need a new treat.<br />
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The similarities don't stop there. As I've been told many times while binging on chocolate: A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. Bullying and chocolate don't fix anything, and while they feel good in the short-term, long-term they have negative consequences.<br />
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Bullying and chocolate are only really good for covering up the cracks, for those of us who don't want to take the time to work on ourselves, to see the parts of ourselves that aren't very nice and work on them to make ourselves better people. Whether it's counselling or exercise, both are much harder to do than bullying or eating chocolate.<br />
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I'm not talking about a once-in-a-while chocolate, or a bit of friendly teasing. These things are fine in moderation.<br />
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Of course, the people who actually need to read this blog, the bullies, won't read it, or if they do they'll think it applies to someone else. It's hard to look at the bits of your life that are hard, and work through the problems of your life, but it's worth it, not just for the victims of bullying, but for the bullies themselves.kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-62215673866879497302017-12-27T22:54:00.003+10:002018-01-05T18:46:58.195+10:00An Autistic Guide to attending the Big Bash League!Yes, I know, it's been a long time between posts again. Sue me (actually, don't, I'm broke).<br />
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So, as everyone probably knows, I am a huge Brisbane Heat fan, and a fan of cricket in general. However, the way that Big Bash games are paced and the way they encourage the crowd usually leaves me with severe sensory overload (from the sound and from the way we're all packed into the Gabba like sardines). So, I've been experimenting with ways to make this easier for myself after a bad start to the season (even though the Heat have been excellent). Here are my suggestions to make going to the Big Bash (or really, any sporting event) easier if you have Autism/Sensory Processing issues.<br />
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First off, unfortunately live sport isn't for everyone. It's loud, long and taxing. If you have severe issues with noise, lights, crowds etc I'd suggest going to the Womens Big Bash, or the Sheffield Shield. There are usually less people at these events, and a lot less noise/flashing lights. So if you still want a live sport experience, perhaps chose a lower grade of your chosen sport to attend.<br />
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However, for those of us who are going to the big leagues, here are some ways I've found that can make your experience more enjoyable:<br />
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1. For those of us who are sensitive to sound, I can not recommend a good set of earplugs enough. I wore a pair tonight and it drastically cut down the noise exposure, while still allowing me to enjoy the atmosphere.<br />
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2. Take advantage of innings breaks. Most stadiums allow to you head outside for a bit, which is what I did tonight, so make sure when there's a break in the play you give yourself a bit of time out to bring yourself down. Most people stay in the stadium to get food/enjoy the entertainment in the breaks, so it's much quieter and calmer outside.<br />
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3. Make sure you're properly rested and fed/watered before going to the game. A good rest and having your blood sugar levels stable is important for withstanding a Big Bash game - sometimes the games are long and being exposed to so many triggers will sap your energy.<br />
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4. If you can, take your own food and drink. One thing I LOVE about the Gabba is that they allow you to bring in your own food and drinks, provided they're still sealed and non-alcoholic, so I don't have to deal with the social interaction of buying food if I don't need to. Check with your chosen stadium, and see what you can/can't bring with you to the game.<br />
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5. Accept you might not be able to sit through the entire game. This is especially relevant to me when it comes to Test matches. I've only ever sat through a whole day of a Test once, and I paid dearly for it. Now I know that I can only stay for a few hours maximum, but it's enough for me to enjoy the game and have a bit of fun.<br />
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Obviously, this is a very basic start, and you might need to work out your own strategy for attending live sports events, but whatever your plan, make sure you have a plan and stick to it, and remember to HAVE FUN!kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-48776355771244329942017-07-26T18:52:00.001+10:002017-07-26T18:52:35.301+10:00Slytherin Pride<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Or perhaps in Slytherin</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">You'll make your real friends,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Those cunning folks use any means</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">To achieve their ends.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">-The Sorting Hat, "Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone" J. K. Rowling</span></div>
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And power-hungry Slytherin</div>
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Loved those of great ambition</div>
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-The Sorting Hat, "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" J. K. Rowling</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I was devastated when I was first sorted into the noble house of Slytherin. After all, I was young and everyone was of the opinion that you had to be pure evil to be a Slytherin, and that the very best went into Gryffindor. I tried so many times, but every time it was the same - I'm a Slytherin through and through.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">And then I realised. I AM a Slytherin, 100% to the core.</span></div>
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I'm ambitious all right, and I will do just about anything to get what I want. My number one dream, ever since I can remember, is wanting to write a story that changed the world. I want to write something so powerful that it influences people, that it changes the way people think and feel.</div>
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And damn, am I trying my best. Yes, I might be writing to better the lives of people with mental illness and to change the perception of neurodiversity in the world, but hell, it's still wanting to change the world. It's still a bloody ambitious task, and I'll be damned if I fail. </div>
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I'll admit I'm not being entirely altruistic, I love the idea of being that powerful that I forever immortalize myself in the form of a book. I want to see my name in lights, I want people to look up to me, to wish they were me. THAT is what being a Slytherin is all about - wanting something so badly you'll do anything to get it, wanting to achieve something so bad that you'll give up anything to make it happen.</div>
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It's not only my passion for writing either. A few months ago out of sheer determination I walked 50km in one day. Just so I could say that I had done it. Not a charity run/walk or anything like that, just 100% pure "I wanna be better than everyone else"-ness. That's only one example of how moronic I can be when I want to achieve something. Let's not get into my smug superiority when my Facebook posts are all grammatically correct with either correct spelling or phonetic spelling for emphasis. What can I say, I'm terrible.</div>
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Slytherin has gotten a bad rap over the years, especially due to the Dark Lord, but I know that one day people will stop associating Slytherin with the Dark Lord and start associating Slytherin with ME, someone who will do her best to make the world a better place. </div>
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SLYTHERIN FOREVER!</div>
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kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-73328849190337910892017-07-25T21:33:00.001+10:002017-07-25T21:33:57.407+10:00An Open Letter to Chester Bennington <p dir="ltr">Hi Chester, </p>
<p dir="ltr">I never got to meet you, but you and your music were there for me when I needed someone, something to hang on to. Your music saw me through my tough teenage years before I even knew what Autism was, and that I was on the spectrum. I knew I was different, I knew I was meant for something more, but the people in the town around me seemed determined to bring me down. Thanks to you and your band Linkin Park, I got through and I'm now in a pretty special place.</p>
<p dir="ltr">One particular song of yours got a LOT of play by me. That song was "Runaway". I LOVE that song. It was often the last song I heard before I fell asleep. I could never really articulate until now what drew me to the song, but now I know. It was the affirmative message embedded in the lyrics, a call to action that I can happily say I took to heart and acted upon.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><i>I'm gonna runaway, </i><i>and</i> <i>never</i><i> say good-bye.</i></p>
<p dir="ltr">I didn't look back when I finally left Oakey for my true home, Brisbane. I ran far away from the negativity of that place. The addiction, the bigotry, the lack of self-satisfaction that permeated the air.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><i>I'm gonna runaway, </i><i>and</i> <i>never wonder why.</i></p>
<p dir="ltr">I didn't need to think twice about leaving a place that was determined to destroy me. I place that regularly branded me a freak, that often told me to keep my head out of the clouds, that being a writer (the biggest part of me) was an unattainable dream.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><i>I'm gonna runaway and open up my mind.</i></p>
<p dir="ltr">My mind is still opening to this very moment, learning more about myself, others and my place in the world. More importantly, my mind is opening up to my responsibility as a writer, a responsibility to help open the minds of others to new ideas and attitudes. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So Chester, thank you. From myself and everyone whose lives you touched. We're going to miss you, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say thank God you're well at last.<br>
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kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-60143282136858315462017-05-21T16:59:00.000+10:002017-05-21T16:59:32.974+10:00Getting DiagnosedThis year will mark 10 years since I was first diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder/Aspergers Syndrome. I was 18 years, 8 months, 1 week, 1 day, 6 hours and 20 minutes old when I was told I was on the spectrum after months of speculation.<br />
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A little background: at my first proper job (which I only lasted 3 months in) when I was 17, one of the ladies I worked with (Flora, one of the most gorgeous souls I have ever met) asked if I had Aspergers Syndrome.<br />
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"What's that?" I asked.<br />
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"Mild Autism. My grandson has it and you remind me a lot of him." Was the reply.<br />
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Eh, I brushed it off. In the culture of the Toowoomba Region, things like Autism and other neurodiverse conditions were considered disabilities no matter how they impacted your life, and a label like that wasn't something you wanted stuck to you.<br />
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Later on, when I was working at "the Warehouse", the boss's son came to work with us during the school holidays. He also had Aspergers Syndrome. I can still recall people laughing at us one lunch hour, and not knowing why until someone pointed out that during our whole conversation, we hadn't looked at each other once.<br />
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So off to the GP to get a referral I went, and soon I was diagnosed.<br />
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"You definitely have Aspergers Syndrome." Said the psych.<br />
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"You are broken." I heard. It didn't help that at the time I was dating a guy whose family had that exact notion - that I was broken and I needed to be fixed. In fact, a lot of people that I had known for a long time were like "Oh, that explains a lot. So you're getting fixed then?"<br />
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Now I know better, of course, but back in 2007 the attitude still was that ASD was a disability and an affliction and I needed to be cured. Probably explains how I got stuck on that terrible sodium valproate, which definitely wiped out my anxiety and sensory sensitivities along with just about all of my other emotions and every single one of my imaginary friends (who I am happy to say are all back alive and well now).<br />
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Yes, there are some aspects of ASD that for me are akin to a disability. It's taken me a long time to get up to speed on my social skills (which are still on the lower end of the spectrum, but at least my embarrassing incident quotient is going down), and my anxiety will always be a bugbear, along with my knack for sensory overload. Still, I think even with my ASD label, I'm a pretty nifty young lady. My sensory issues also come with positives, including a love of music/dancing and I'm always down for a hug (definitely a hugger, not a handshaker). My brain might run at a million miles an hour making it hard for me to focus and contributing to my anxiety, but without it I wouldn't have my imaginary friends nor would I have the likes of my books "Ink on the Wind", "Chuckles and Giggles", "Experiment 24-42" or "The Children of Wellsworth School".<br />
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Aspergers is not something that needs to be fixed. Neurodiversity is not a curse. It is something to be embraced, for with it comes new ideas and ways of thinking. Celebrate our differences, cherish our similarities and let's all work together for the betterment of humanity!kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-3056765350490638062017-04-27T20:15:00.000+10:002017-04-27T20:15:07.120+10:00EdwardIt's no great secret that one of my favourite shows to this day is "Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends", especially the first two seasons. Episodes like "Coal" from the first season where the Fat Controller gives Henry a fair go make my heart sing, and while Henry is special to me in his own way, he's just not Edward.<br />
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Seriously, how can you NOT love this wise old engine? Not only is this bright blue "Larger Seagull" a gorgeous example of a Furness Railway K2 engine, but he's also the kindest, most helpful soul on the Island of Sodor.<br />
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Before I go on though, let's make one thing clear: Edward and James are two completely different models of train - in fact, James is a L&YR Class 28 variant (a failed experiment) with a 2-6-0 config. Edward is a 4-4-0 config, and is much better-looking in my very honest opinion!<br />
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While I can relate to Henry the most sometimes (especially in the aforementioned "Coal" episode) he still has his moments where he's easily led by the other engines who might not be the best examples, like Gordon or James. Edward on the other hand, while being timid like Henry, has enough sense of self to not buy into their nonsense and do his own thing. Instead of being worried about being seen with the shiniest of new coaches, he's happy to go and play with trucks. Instead of being vain and silly, he's wise and helpful, always willing to lend a hand (or wheel...whatever) to whomever might be in trouble (for example, pushing Gordon up the hill when he gets stuck or saving Trevor from scrap).<br />
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These things, along with Edwards sunny nature and strong work ethic, make me love the little engine so much. I would LOVE to see episodes on Edwards backstory, as he's so old he was actually one of the engines who helped build the Fat Controllers railway. It would be so interesting to see the way he became the wise old man that he is today. I imagine that when he first started, he was a lot like Thomas, although perhaps not so impulsive or arrogant.<br />
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He's not perfect of course, and sometimes the words of the bigger, younger, stronger engines get to him and make him sad (and we won't talk about the complete character retcon they did to him in later seasons - it makes my blood boil), but that's what makes me love him so much - even though he's upset, he still keeps on going and doing his own thing, which is whatever the Fat Controller needs him to do. This is a quality that not many people seem to have. Many people either get sad or angry and either look to pay their tormentor out or just give up and go with the flow. We could all learn a lot from Edward, who is easily one of my favourite characters of all time.<br />
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<br />kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-53147788788111421002017-04-13T07:28:00.000+10:002017-04-13T07:28:19.143+10:00Top 10 Wrestlers Past and Present...other than 'TakerI think it's pretty much a given that the Undertaker is my (and a lot of peoples) favourite wrestler of all time. I could gush on forever about how great the Deadman is, but I've already done so, therefore, the Undertaker will NOT be appearing on this list. Redundancy and all that jazz. It'd be like me doing a revised top ten songs list - and if you don't know what the number one song is always going to be, you're either a new reader (in which case, hi there!) or you just don't know me at all ("I Can't Dance" by Genesis, okay?).<br />
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Now, I'm not the best judge of wrestling ability. So while I can appreciate good spots, I'm more after people who can just make me laugh and enjoy myself. I love watching wrestlers who not only hit hard in the ring, but can keep me entertained outside of matches too.<br />
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So here are my Top Ten Favourite Wrestlers - other than the Undertaker!<br />
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10. William Regal<br />
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He's British, he's hilarious, he's tough, he's just so much fun! And that voice is something to DIE for! I can't decide whether his run with Dave Taylor against Brian Kendrick and Paul London or his run with Eugene is my favourite. Maybe his time as the Commissioner is my favourite... He's man...such a man...<br />
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9. Daniel Bryan<br />
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I remember when this guy took down the Wyatt family in a Steel Cage, and had the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand afterwards. I was just like "Wow." I was stunned. Although I absolutely ADORED him as part of Team Hell No. Especially once you threw Randy Orton into the mix. Poor Randy.<br />
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8. Triple H<br />
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When this guy wants to be funny, he can be pretty funny. I can still remember him crashing the Edge/Vicki Guerrero wedding. He's also fairly intimidating, and can make just about anyone look good in the ring. But my favourite memories of him are easily when he's paired with the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels as D-Generation X. Oh irrelevant humour, how I love thee!<br />
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7. Rey Mysterio<br />
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I also have a soft spot for underdogs, and Rey Mysterio is the ultimate underdog. I love his fast, high-flying style and his never-say-die attitude. It's so much fun to watch him go up against some of the biggest guys in the business and just deck them. The 619 is one of my favourite moves of all time, and just looks so much fun!<br />
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6. Randy Orton<br />
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I think it's because he's pretty much the polar opposite of John Cena (who is okay, I guess) which totally appeals to my Slytherin nature. I love watching him systematically take his opponents apart, especially when he "loses it" and goes for the head punt. Oooh does he give me the shivers sometimes!<br />
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5. Edge<br />
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Between this guy and Christian, I could die laughing. While he's not quite as entertaining without Christian, he can still work the mic very well. He'd probably be higher on the list if he continued being the funny guy instead of becoming the more sadistic Ultimate Opportunist. Eh. I still loved how he destroyed the laptop of the Anonymous General Manager, and his promos with Kurt Angle still give me bellyache from the laughter.<br />
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4. Vicki Guerrero<br />
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She wrestled at least one match, so she counts! Simply put, this woman was THE best heel in the business for a long time. Even today if someone says "Excuse me" I'm tempted to scowl. She lied, cheated and stole better than anyone else in the company, and it was just so entertaining! I think a big part of the appeal is that once she got power, she abused it just like all of us want to do but are too "morally upstanding" to do.<br />
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3. Kane<br />
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Of COURSE the Undertakers little brother was going to be on this list, how couldn't he? An unbelievable performer, who can be just as funny as anyone else without losing the intimidation factor. The only reason he's not as much of a favourite as his brother is because he just never really had that "indestructible" factor that the Undertaker has. I guess that's just a consequence of being the younger brother I guess. I love the chemistry he has with the Deadman, whether fighting alongside him or against him. In fact, one match I do enjoy is the Undertaker vs. Issac Yankem. Definitely something to go back and watch.<br />
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2. Wade Barrett<br />
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I swear this guy was Lord Flashheart in a past life (seriously, substitute "Boom" for "Wuff" and you'll see what I mean). He is easily the most HILARIOUS wrestler I have ever had the pleasure of watching (if you ever need a chuckle, just check out his Instagram). He just taps into my love of British comedy and I just lap it up. Even when he was with the Nexus and doing the "Barrett Barrage" he was just so fun to watch. Shame he looks like the bastard child of Blackadder and Arnold Rimmer, but hey, if they do a Blackadder reboot they could easily cast him in the title role (and shoehorn Cody Rhodes in as Baldrick).<br />
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1. Shawn Michaels<br />
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This guy MADE D-Generation X. He's hilarious on his own, but pair him with Triple H and I'm just gone. The difference between him and Hunter though is that without Shawn, Triple H just loses a bit of his shine, whereas Shawn can hold his own easily. To me, he's almost equal with the Undertaker in how much I love him (although I didn't cry when Shawn retired). The single best part about HBK though has to be Sweet Chin Music. The number of times I've been watching someone ramble on and on and on on the mic and thought to myself "Gosh I wish HBK would just kick them and have it done with." are too many to count. His energy is amazing and it's hard not to get swept up in it.<br />
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On another note, for those who follow me on Instagram (@kezzstar24) and know of my tendency to go for extremely long walks, tomorrow I'm giving my 42km PB a shake. Hopefully if I can get the Charity Miles app working, I can make it count.kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-6797759575395534492017-04-08T08:55:00.003+10:002017-04-08T08:55:59.826+10:00Where the bloody hell was I?I know, I know, I disappeared and I left you all. I am so sorry!<br />
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So, a bit of an update on what I've been up to recently. First off, I'm currently in the process of having my first book, a collection of poetry under the title of "Ink in the Wind" published. That's right, you're going to be able to read my dribble in paperback! I don't have a release date yet, but stay tuned!<br />
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Secondly, I have finally been given a consistent shift at work. Which means I can now walk to work several times a week (and you all know how I love walking). Already I'm feeling the benefits, anxiety is down, health is up, fun is had and photos are on Instagram. Seriously, if you want to get into exercise, just find something that you love and do it. If you don't want to go to the gym, don't! Go play footy, go for a run, go dancing, whatever it is, just do it!<br />
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Also, if you haven't been on Facebook and liked <a href="https://www.facebook.com/AspergerSyndromeAwareness/" target="_blank">Aspergers Syndrome Awareness: Bryan and Friends</a> then definitely go do it! I'm one of the mods there now (an official Aspergers and Autism Advocate) and I love it! It's so good to be able to help.<br />
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Finally, on the back of "Ink in the Wind", I am now working on a very special project. This project is called "The Children of Wellsworth School" and it's childrens stories designed to introduce neurotypical children to neurodiversity and disability. Hopefully my voice will be just one of millions speaking out about acceptance and working together.<br />
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I promise that I'll try to update more regularly again! Keep an eye out for my next blog off the back of my last one - my Top 10 Favourite Wrestlers! Take care!kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-34703544135258227452017-04-03T22:53:00.001+10:002017-04-03T22:53:27.659+10:00Thank You TakerIt's been nearly a year since my last update, but right now I'm heartbroken.<br />
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I am literally typing this through tears. The Undertaker...it's finally over. It's so painful to see someone you loved, someone you feared, someone you looked up to go out like that. Not taking anything away from Roman Reigns, but to see someone like the Undertaker finally conquered forever...<br />
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For the longest time, the Undertaker was THE limit. Everyone fell before Deadman. No one was safe in his yard. It was no end of a thrill to see the Phenom get absolutely destroyed...only to sit right back up and END whoever was stupid enough to make him mad. Nothing was better than watching someone get a "win" against the Undertaker, only to regret it instantly when they got their backside handed to them.<br />
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Admittedly towards the end this aura of invincibility began to fade. I'm still filthy about Brock Lesnar. Even when Wade Barrett in his Nexus days laid Wasteland to the Deadman I was upset (and I'm definitely a Bad News fan). It was hard to watch him slowly become more and more...mortal, as time went on.<br />
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There was nothing better for a bad week than watching him take it out on someone. All of our power fantasies were lived through the Deadman. He was indestructible, We lapped it up. And even though we knew it was kayfabe, that all these Superstars were just actors who had a particularly violent job...the Undertaker was different somehow. Even without the theatrics, even behind a TV screen, his powerful aura was painfully obvious, so potent that he didn't even need to say a word. He worked hard, he gave his all, and he demanded respect. I think this is what made his act seem all the more real. Even though when the other Superstars looked terrified as he got up...was it really all an act?<br />
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As I tend to do, I'll honour the Phenom with a Top 5 list. My Top 5 Undertaker Moments!<br />
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5. "You look like you've seen a ghost Mr. Kennedy!" Smackdown! 370, 22 Sept 2006<br />
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I don't know which was better - listening to Mr. Kennedy try to convince himself that he could beat the Undertaker, or King Bookers face when Bobby Lashley threw him back into the ring to face the music for low-blowing the Deadman. You really don't wanna make the Undertaker mad.<br />
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4. "MAYBE THERE IS SOMEONE!" Royal Rumble 2007<br />
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I love Shawn Michaels. Sweet Chin Music is easily my favourite finishing move, just purely for how entertaining it can be. Put him with the Undertaker in the best finale of the Royal Rumble ever (in my opinion) and you have magic. You could almost substitute this with either one of their Wrestlemania matches, but for me anyway this is my favourite of their bouts.<br />
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3. Brothers of Destruction<br />
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Yeah, this is totally cheating. But any moment with the Undertaker and Kane is always great, whether they're on the same side trying to outdo each other or against each other trying to kill each other, the pair have amazing chemistry and compliment each other well in the ring. My favourite though has to be the first Inferno Match. Cop THAT Kane!<br />
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2. "GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, HE'S KILLED HIM!" King of the Ring 1998<br />
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Someone please tell me how exactly Mick Foley is still alive and in (mostly) one piece. This match just absolutely kills me every time I watch it. The sheer dominance of the Deadman is a sight to behold, and Mankind getting slammed pillar to post is just icing on the cake. HOW IS MICK FOLEY STILL ALIVE?!<br />
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1. "When Daddy wakes up, tell him the Undertaker took back his yard." Smackdown! 89, 3 May 2001<br />
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The Two-Man Power-Trip really shouldn't have messed with Kane. I know when people go after my siblings, I tend to get a touch irrational. I'm not surprised that the Undertaker went a bit ape. Throwing Stone Cold Steve Austin through a window, attacking him in the ambulance (while taking out Triple H at the same time) before belting the snot out of McMahon and scaring Stephanie with my favourite line in sports entertainment. The line is delivered in classic Undertaker style, cold, detached, and to the point. It's the perfect combination of the original Undertaker and the biker Undertaker. Beating up Rikishi was just icing on the cake.<br />
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The Undertaker has been a part of the WWE for a long, long time. It's hard to imagine the WWE without him. He gave us all so many great memories and amazing matches. Thank you Undertaker. Thank you so much for everything.kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-73690903815329434252016-06-19T20:04:00.001+10:002016-06-19T20:04:31.459+10:00Top 5 most hated charactersLike I said, although I don't watch much TV I do have my favourite characters. I also have characters who I would like to see completely wiped from this earth. What brought this on? Read on to find out.<br />
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<b>5. Sasuke Uchiha - Naruto</b><br />
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This little runt pisses me off no end. Always all about revenge and being a brooding emo, he's just so one-dimensional it's not funny. Sure, Sakura isn't one of my favourite characters either, but for heavens sake she deserved better than to be lumped with this loser! He doesn't grow at ALL during the course of the story, except for the last little bit where he admits Naruto is right. And suddenly all is forgiven and happy, happy, joy, joy. UGH!<br />
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<b>4. Bella Swan - The Twilight Saga</b><br />
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Do I REALLY need to go into why this chick is so annoying?! Again, so one-dimensional and she never, EVER grows up. She just stays stuck in brooding teenager mode forever. I literally threw the last book across the room I was so furious with her. GET A CLUE YOU WHINY BRAT.<br />
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<b>3. Shou Tucker - Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood</b><br />
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The reason I'm writing this list. I just watched episode 4 and what he did...how utterly despicable. The first time I saw that scene I was FURIOUS. Fathers don't do that. They just DON'T.<br />
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<b>2. Princess Bubblegum - Adventure Time</b><br />
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She won't fix Lemongrab. He is living a miserable, lonely, painful existence because SHE WON'T FIX HIM. This one hits so close to home for me because if someone could take my autism away and make me into a person without the poor social skills and the over sensitivity to touch and sound and they REFUSED TO...I relate so much to Lemongrab, and how he suffers because no one can understand his "Lemon Way"...oh she makes me furious! It's not just Lemongrab that pisses me off about her, it's her whole attitude and superiority complex that also ticks me off. Stupid princess.<br />
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<b>1. Dolores Umbridge - Harry Potter Series</b><br />
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Just ask any Harry Potter fan, and they will tell you what an evil, nasty, horrible piece of work this bitch is. At least with the Dark Lord, you can understand how he became so hateful, and perhaps even pity him, but not this cow. She takes Bubblegums superiority to a completely new level, and abuses her powers as much as humanly possible. She gives us Slytherins a bad name, and it brings me shame to have been sorted into the same house as her!kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-54846089828729030322016-06-10T17:24:00.001+10:002016-06-10T17:24:39.976+10:00Anxiety and OverloadingBeing of the autistic and anxious nature, I tend to suffer from panic attacks. These can be categorised two ways - anxiety attacks and overloads. These commonly happen at work and at dance class, and a lot of people don't understand really WHY it happens. At dance, it's often assumed that my attacks are because I don't feel like I can keep up with the class (when I think at least 80% of the time I'm pretty good at keeping up) and I'm really not sure what the guys at work think.<br />
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Here's a quick overview of how it works:<br />
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As stated earlier, I either have an anxiety attack or I overload. This is because unfortunately I have limited energy for coping with the stresses of life that everyone else seems to take in their stride. Think of it as having two meters: my "Social Energy" meter and my "Data Usage" meter.<br />
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My "Social Energy" meter is how much energy I have left to deal with social situations before I can't hold off the anxiety any longer. Things like conversations, going out to fix customers problems, driving, dealing with my fears, talking on the phone etc deplete this meter.<br />
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My "Data Usage" meter is how much more I can process before I overload. Sound and touch contribute to depleting this meter, as does trying to learn or trying to absorb new information.<br />
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If one meter gets too low, it can start impacting on the other meter. Also, my <a href="http://normalautistic.blogspot.com/2016/03/triggers-and-panic-attacks.html" target="_blank">panic scale</a> can also affect how fast the meters go down. Being at a high level on the scale can drain my "Social Energy" meter, while making it harder for me to absorb information, which starts to drain at my "Data Usage" meter. Conversely, if I can get my panic scale low enough (to a 2.5 or below) I can actually start to recuperate any lost "energy" or "data". This is why I insist on walking at lunchtimes, because it will easily replenish my "Social Energy" meter, while listening to music and letting my brain go nuts will replenish my "Data Usage" meter.<br />
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Of course, if the meters get too low, then it becomes harder for me to get and keep to a low panic scale. Also my physical condition can affect how fast the meters go down as well. Plus, I don't always start the day with the same amount of energy as I did the day before. A couple of long or stressful days in a row can have me starting my days with next to no petrol tickets left in either tank.<br />
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So let's look at some examples. Take my first mini-attack at Swingsation on Saturday, brought on by my dread of losing my balance. This was during a workshop, which was just after another workshop, so my "Data Usage" meter was already pretty low. This was starting to drain at my "Social Energy" meter, as well, raising my panic scale to around a 5. Now, earlier, when my "Data Usage" scale was fuller, I was happily sitting at 3.5. Then, they showed us we were going to be doing a dip. Like I said at the time, it was a sudden hit of fear to the face, instantly throwing my panic scale up to a 7. Had my meter had more data available, I could have maybe gotten back down to a 3.5 and gutsed it out, but I was depleted and thus after three or four attempts at the dip I hit 8 and fled.<br />
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The major attack on the Sunday at Swingsation was similar, only this time both meters were out. Unfortunately I could only recover so much energy from Friday, which I used up on Saturday, and couldn't fully recover by Sunday. Physically too I was drained. Dancing was able to keep me down to a 3, but then I picked a fast dance with a complete and utter manic which completely wiped out my "Data Usage" meter and left my "Social Energy" precariously low. Sure enough, I hit a 9 and couldn't speak. Super-embarrassing stuff.<br />
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Just this week too I had another attack, but this time because my panic scale was otherwise low, I was able to recover the energy and data and guts it out. This one was caused by a one-footed spin which had me off-balance, which is a great way to send me to an instant 6 on the panic scale. Coupled with all the information I was getting in class depleting my "Data Usage" meter, I had an attack. However, my "Social Energy" meter was high enough that after sitting down for five minutes I could guts out the rest of the lesson, and a few dances (which mostly bring my scale down to 2) were enough to replenish my meters and I was able to enjoy the rest of the night.<br />
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It's important to be able to tell if I'm anxious or overloading - if I overload, DO NOT TOUCH ME UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES because it will HURT like anything because I simply can't take any more input. However, if it's anxiety, I need to be hugged and fretted over and protected. Of course, if both meters get completely wiped out and I hit a 10...you know what, let's not even go there, because I certainly never want to hit a 10 ever again.<br />
<br />kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-18565117333439303432016-06-08T22:38:00.003+10:002016-06-08T22:38:43.651+10:00One is Not Enough<div>
WARNING: I'm high on Nurofen at the moment (YAY FOR DRUG SENSITIVITY) and I have a cold and I am tired and I really should be asleep but thoughts are keeping me awake. I have zero idea where I'm going with this.</div>
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I'm having a bit of a chuckle to myself at the moment, reading all about Government Elections here there and everywhere. The fact is, the way us humans govern ourselves is complete and utter horse shit. Systems seem to be designed around one central figurehead, one person, ahem, "elected" to hold the power over the populace. Am I the only one who thinks this is the STUPIDEST thing in the world?!<div>
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ONE person. ONE <span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Prime Minister, President, Queen, King, whatever. While I understand that there are processes in place to ensure that these people don't abuse their power (for example, the Senate) these seem a<span style="background-color: white;">lmost as stupid as having one central figurehead to run the joint. In Australia for example, ONE person represents <span style="text-align: center;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">0.0000041% of the total population. The people in Parliament equals </span></span></span><span style="line-height: 16px;">0.00062% of the population. Am I the only person who sees how utterly ridiculous this is?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">The simple fact is that there are over 24 million people in this country. Each of us has our own needs, wants, hopes, dreams. We all have our individual ideas about what is right and just. Most of us accept that sometimes our wants, hopes and dreams need to be sacrificed for the greater good. Just to make things even more fun, each and every one of us has our own ideas about what the greater good entails. We pretty much live by a majority rules mentality. To try and make things even, we divide ourselves into Electorates, a whole 150 of them. Yup. Only 150 representatives for over 24 million people. 0.00062% of the population. That means roughly one representative per 160,700 people. Those 160,700 each with their own ideas and wants and needs. Not to mention the representative themselves has their own ideas and wants and needs. In fact, the Prime Minister ALSO has their own ideas and wants and needs. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">Part of me wants to cry "Bring on our AI overlords!" Alas, the AI would have to be programmed by a human...again with their own wants, needs and ideas. What a mess.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">I guess the biggest fix for our Government would be for those in power to realise that it's not just all about them. I'm not just talking about the elected government either, the Opposition also need to realise that opposition≠being dicks. If such a small section of the population is going to be in charge, they NEED to work together. I'm sick of turning on Question Time and nearly mistaking it for Degrassi High. These people need to realise that each and every one of them is such a small percentage of the population, and really if it weren't for the other 99.938% of the population putting them in power their wants, needs and ideas wouldn't count for shit. Each and every one of them is representing 160,700 different wants, needs and ideas. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">There are so many people in this world that one person just isn't enough to change the world any more. It's now got to be a team effort from all of us to advance ourselves as a species and actually govern ourselves with a bit more accuracy than what we are at the moment. Make sure you vote correctly and to the best of your ability. If you have a concern, write to your local member. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">And remember, we all have a voice. While making ours heard, let's listen to the other voices too. After all, you're only 0.0000041% of the Australian population.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">I'm going to bed now.</span></span></div>
kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-20344018594097269382016-06-05T12:46:00.002+10:002016-06-05T12:46:21.091+10:00Top 5 Things I Like About MyselfMan, I NEVER thought I'd get to this stage. I actually LIKE me! I think I might actually be the one for me!<br />
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Don't get me wrong - it's taken a LOT of work to get to this stage, and still sometimes there's that nagging doubt in the back of my head. However, the voice is getting quieter all the time, as I find out things about myself that are pretty awesome. When you're stuck in the bowels of depression it's really hard to find anything good about yourself, so when you DO finally have that self-respect and self-love, that's when you need to start putting aside some of those good feelings for the times that you'll need them. Things like songs, videos, games, memories and even lists of good things are all the sorts of things that you'll be grateful for when that black dog comes around again. Trust me, there's always a chance that it'll come back. I already have some great memories stored away (check my blogs on Swingsation) and Spotify is a great resource for hoarding those songs that make you feel good. I also have my list of reasons I want to be alive (which has the names of all of those people precious to me) and now I'm going to internalise and find some reasons why other people would want me to be alive.<br />
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5. I'm loyal to a fault<br />
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Show me any sort of kindness and I am yours for life. I'm fiercely loyal to my friends, and I'd do just about anything for them. Hurt one of them, and I'm sure I'll find some way to make you pay. Friends become like family to me so easily, and I wouldn't have it any other way.<br />
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4. I don't give up easily<br />
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It would have been so easy to run away from Swingsation after the first panic attack. It would have been so easy to quit my job and return to Oakey after my breakdown and subsequent depression. It'd be so easy to give up West Coast Swing because it does get really hard. But I'm not going to give up, I'm never going to give up and I'm going to continue to try my best and give it my all!<br />
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3. I'm a damned good writer<br />
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And a good dancer too come to think of it. Who doesn't love creative energy? I try to use my ability as a writer to try and make the world a better place, by trying to make people believe the good in themselves and sharing my experiences to hopefully stop people from making the same mistakes I did. This blog is just one example.<br />
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2. I'm intelligent<br />
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My psych has often commented on my high intelligence. I love thinking and I love ideas and figuring things out about the world. I love learning too, although sometimes I'm a bit slower than everyone else once I have a concept I'm not letting it go!<br />
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1. I'm fucking hilarious<br />
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Well, at least I think so! There is no greater feeling in the Universe than making someone laugh, especially if they're feeling down. The sound of laughter is the most magical sound in the world, the most powerful sound in the world, and it'll be laughter that saves the world.<br />
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So now when life decides to be a bitch and try and get me down, I now have another list I can refer back to to help me get back up again. Even if you don't have a history of mental illness, it pays to have something (or lots of somethings) that remind you of the good in you, and in everyone else.<br />
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My List Of Reasons I Want To Be Alive</div>
<br />kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-21988464149583759462016-05-27T18:59:00.000+10:002016-05-27T18:59:04.458+10:00Top 5 Things that Scare the $^1+ out of meI will note this is not a list of my top five fears (which is basically 5. Eye contact 4. Speaking on the phone 3. Sharp objects near my wrists 2. Stairs/Elevators 1. Going blind) rather it's a top five of things in the media/on the Internet that scare the everliving shit out of me. These things at some point have caused me to lose sleep for a week.<div>
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Just be careful clicking links - I take no responsibility for you being terrified out of your wits.<br /><div>
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5. <a href="http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Jeff_the_Killer_2015" target="_blank">Jeff the Killer</a></div>
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It's mainly the picture that does me in. Those fucking eyes. I was first exposed to this via a stupid Facebook chain picture that scared me witless. I had problems sleeping for a week afterwards, although it doesn't bother me as much now.</div>
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4. <a href="https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjGrouG7_nMAhUJF5QKHRXNDScQtwIIGzAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dqq1e5dIilJ0&usg=AFQjCNEOvkBx7QEW-zgrCJREFvun1P9Zlw&sig2=wme8FoR-SjWt6hBaWVyE4w&bvm=bv.122676328,d.dGo" target="_blank">Squidwards Suicide</a></div>
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Again, the freaking imagery that people have made. Plus the fact that I relate so much to Squidward (my siblings were very much the Spongebob and Patrick, and I hate both characters with a passion). How do people come up with this stuff?!</div>
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3. <a href="https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjWuOa87_nMAhWMKZQKHaMzDPUQFggbMAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FThe_Mummy_(1999_film)&usg=AFQjCNEZkBGnq7MCxomPZ7KrJvoBqwKI5A&sig2=vPo6dXuQ_NKWbeH8hDDXCg&bvm=bv.122676328,d.dGo" target="_blank">The Mummy</a></div>
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Saw this at a friends place, only watched the first half an hour before heading elsewhere to do something else like play sweet, innocent video games. Finally fell asleep that night after watching a silly silver-screen movie called "A New Leaf" before passing out to Schnukums and Meat.</div>
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2. <a href="https://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiLgfHu7_nMAhVIJ5QKHXbCCk8QFggbMAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FSaw_(franchise)&usg=AFQjCNHNe--4DUwIjXv2t2E212FdAv-kxQ&sig2=yBUjg2zZnUyKGBRv_oFxcg&bvm=bv.122676328,d.dGo" target="_blank">SAW Franchise</a></div>
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Just gross. There are just some things that don't need to be watched (or in my case, overheard).</div>
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1. <a href="http://freddy-fazbears-pizza.wikia.com/wiki/Springtrap" target="_blank">Springtrap</a>/<a href="http://freddy-fazbears-pizza.wikia.com/wiki/Purple_Guy" target="_blank">The Purple Guy</a> (Five Nights At Freddys)</div>
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FUCK this animatronic and FUCK the Purple Guy. For those not in the know, the Purple Guy is the evil bastard who killed the kids who haunt the animatronics in the Five Nights At Freddys games. After the first game, he's killed by a Golden Bonnie Suit he was trying to hide in, and became Springtrap, the antagonist of the third game in the series. Even keeping my lamp on doesn't help, and it's only gotten worse since Bastet died (being a bigger cat, he could have easily taken on any animatronic, and he always slept on the end of my bed, where I could comfort myself by resting my foot near him). Of course, he's just as bad in his Purple Guy form - one night while casually reading about the Puppet (quite possibly my favourite character) an animation started where the Purple Guy started walking across the screen. Thoroughly frightened out of my skull, I exited the FNaF wiki quick-smart.</div>
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Sleep well!</div>
kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-19887852454097419772016-05-22T23:50:00.001+10:002016-05-22T23:50:25.217+10:00Swingsation: Day Three!I really did NOT want to get out of bed this morning. I had definitely spent WAY too many petrol tickets on Saturday night. However, I was determined to force myself to at least watch the workshops today, and get as many dances under my belt as I could.<br />
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Well, first I left my shoes at the apartment (discovered while in the middle of crossing the road). Then coming back down the stairs the strap of the bag that my sister gave me snapped. Thankfully I was able to hook the strap onto one of the zippers so it's still functional.<br />
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The first workshop was with Arjay, who has a huge, amazing, constant energy. It was all about dancing with one lead, two follows. Of course, I forgot to put on my dance shoes didn't I? Anyway, after that little faux pas, we had a BLAST with the workshop. It was easily the most fun workshop of the weekend, and I really hope I get the chance to do another double-dance soon.<br />
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Of course, my left plantar fascia (which has been troublesome since I was a kid) was determined to try and put a damper on things, as was my complete lack of energy. Both were egging on my anxiety but I wasn't going to give in.<br />
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Lunch was Maccas with my roomie Josephine (who I am so glad I got to know this weekend), who I introduced to the Loaded Fries with cheese sauce and bacon. Yes, I am evil.<br />
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After watching the last workshops, I scooted back to the apartment and foolishly took a nap. I awoke groggy and really not in any state to do anything except grouch, but I was determined and as anyone who knows me will tell you when I get determined there is NOTHING that can stop me. It was probably a good thing I had the apartment to myself, I was able to try and unwind a bit before heading to watch the Invitational Jack and Jill.<br />
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The Invitational was amazing. It almost made me want to dance competitively just for the chance to be able to dance with one of those pros, but I know that competitive dancing is well beyond what I'm capable of. Yes, even I have limits.<br />
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It was after the Invitational that disaster struck. Dancing with Chris, the plantar fascia finally gave a massive "WILL YOU GIVE IT A REST BITCH?!" No one calls ME a bitch, so I kept going despite the fact owchie. As Chris helped me off the dance floor, I felt a familiar snap in the back of my head. Oh. Crap. That snap meant that my ability to speak was GONE. I tried to form the words, but there was nothing. Not one word. And my foot was burning badly. I ended up outside with Natasha (who is wonderful) who managed to calm me down and get some of my Rescue Pastilles into me. Of course, I still couldn't speak.<br />
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It was after the awards (congrats to all the winners by the way!) that my ability to speak finally returned (with a lot of effort mind) and I managed to get in one last dance with Ty (who I knew would be gentle with me). I then headed back to the apartment (as much as I would have loved to stay) and now it's time for some rest before the long drive back to Brisbane tomorrow.<br />
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Overall, this weekend was a success. I asked so many people to dance (and I apologise to you all, but I can't remember any of your names!) and met so many new people. I learnt a lot about myself and my dance, and I like to think that I strengthened some of my existing friendships. I actually felt confident for 90% of the weekend, and I got to dance with some very advanced dancers (unfortunately not the pros, but there's always next time). West Coast Swing and the community around it is a great place for everyone, especially those with mental illness, and I am so glad I took the opportunity to experience this great weekend and all the good things that came with it!<br />
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One could almost say I felt like a normal girl for once.kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-1211309997135429942016-05-22T02:49:00.001+10:002016-05-22T02:49:23.498+10:00Swingsation: Day Two!IMPORTANT NOTE: For an alarm to go off, it must first be set. Just something I thought I'd throw out there.<br />
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So after sleeping in until 0900, I quickly rushed to the Mantra to continue the Swingsation fun. The first workshop was all about musicality, and I took a lot from it (even if I totally sucked at it - hashtag oh well). It made a difference watching the Jack and Jill competition too - I could really start to see how the competitors were working the music with their partners, so it's definitely an area I need to grow in. I'm really bad for letting the music take me over and almost completely missing musical cues from my lead - however while social dancing tonight I did manage to hit a few spots so I'm definitely improving!<br />
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The second workshop was all about connection, which is by far the weakest aspect of my dance. This workshop definitely helped there, although disaster struck towards the end. You see, I have a really, really big problem with losing my balance (as my first dance teacher Chris can easily attest to - he had quite a challenge teaching me the start step - hashtag infinite patience), and the last part of the routine we were learning involved a dip. The moment they demonstrated the dip, it was instant pure terror to the face. Cue mini-panic attack.<br />
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I headed out to try and walk it off, without realising I still had my dance shoes on. So I took them off and walked around barefoot on the streets of the Gold Coast until I found a pharmacist, where I was lucky enough to find my Bach Rescue Pastilles in a blackcurrant flavour (which beats the disgusting cranberry and lemon flavours - hashtag gross). The pharmacist instantly saw my predicament and kindly offered me water and to sit down. I thanked her, but decided it was best just to walk it off. I got back to the Mantra, got my shoes and went out for lunch.<br />
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I got back to the Mantra in time for the Jack and Jill preliminaries. Social dancing somewhat calmed my frayed nerves although I was well and truly frazzled. Thankfully after some really amazing performances by the competitors the ballroom was closed so we were all forced out for dinner. It gave me the chance to calm down (and take advantage of the Blackadder DVDs in our apartment - hashtag WINNING).<br />
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Unfortunately there wasn't enough leaders for me to participate in the next workshop which was all about partner-stealing, but it was really fun to watch. Also by this stage an old childhood malady was beginning to play up - I was born with really, really bad foot arches, and my left one was starting to hurt. I ignored it though (hashtag future issues) and kept on dancing away. The Jack and Jill finals were a treat to behold, and you couldn't pull me off that dance floor even if you tried (to my detriment, hashtag responsible adult). About ten minutes before the Pros were going to do their fun Jack and Jill competition (wow, just wow. So, SO amazing, so brilliant, so much energy and passion - hashtag speechless) the pain began to get too much (thank you James for chatting with me while I rested - hashtag thanks mate). I was going to give up and go back to the apartment, and had put my shoes on when I saw something in my bag that made me change my mind.<br />
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A few weeks ago I finally found a Joel Patfull footy card. My hero. The man who never gave up even though he was delisted by port. The dance shoes went back on - hang it all, I was going to dance through that pain even if it killed me, because no matter what happens I want to be like Joel Patfull. Eventually I lost feeling in the foot, which made dancing interesting, but then the pain returned with a vengeance, surging up to my knee. Finally out of petrol tickets, I headed back to the apartment at around 0115. Phew!<br />
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Easily the best part of the day was getting to dance with the two best dancers in the whole world (in my opinion - hashtag biased), Zac and Chris. I love these guys to bits, dancing with them just makes me feel so much better about myself, and any dance class where I don't dance with either one of them is a class wasted. Chris is my favourite to dance with, and as I mentioned earlier he was my teacher when I first started. If it weren't for him, I doubt I would have continued dancing (even though at the time I would have happily smacked him. Repeatedly. Hashtag I'm sorry!). Zac, even though he's a world-class dancer, is so incredibly down-to-earth and just brings so much energy to every dance. Every time I dance with him I feel so much more confident as a dancer, he seems to know just how good you are and how to make you feel like you're a star even if you have no clue what you're doing.<br />
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That being said, I had some awesome dances with so many guys today that I am simply blown away. This whole experience is making me wish so badly that my social skills weren't completely shit, so that I could really talk to people and make connections and friendships, because everyone is just so awesome. I really hope that I can take some of this energy away with me to use at regular Raw Con classes back at Mt. Gravatt. Who knows, maybe I'll even start joining everyone for dinner before dance class...maybe.kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-68471533936292755652016-05-21T00:59:00.001+10:002016-05-21T00:59:42.228+10:00Swingsation: Day One!So, I got up at the usual time of 0750 of a night of very poor sleep. However, after cuddles with the Chinny-cat (who I dearly wish was here, I worry about my only living fur-child) I left home at 0830 and had a pretty good run to the Gold Coast, where I immediately headed to the beach to get my feet wet in the ocean and get sand all over my feet. Feeling a bit more confident, I then headed to the Mantra on View to start my Swingsation Day.<br />
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The first workshop was a styling workshop for ladies with Virginie (who is gorgeous!) - I got the first few moves, but a free-spin? Me? Not going to happen in this lifetime (without someone getting seriously injured anyway - namely me). The next workshop was a really fun lesson on passes with both Maxence and Virginie. I'm not really sure if I got it or not, but a few of the guys used the moves in social dancing with me later that night and I didn't step on any toes so I think I did good.<br />
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Lunch was...UGH, I HATE eating out in public! I hate ordering food, I hate having other people around that I might accidentally look at, I hate trying to not get food all over myself, I hate people looking at me when I eat UGH UGH UGH! I went to Hungry Jacks and while the food was nice and well presented...I'm sorry, it's one of my hang-ups.<br />
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The next workshop was an intermediate class with Ben and Victoria, who were just awesome. I was debating whether or not to actually do this workshop, not having a very high opinion of my skills so far. I'm glad I did it though.<br />
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I skipped the next workshop, which was more advanced, and took a bit of a breather to watch the more advanced dancers do their thing. It gave me a chance to settle a bit, which was good as I was going to need all the composure I could get for the evening.<br />
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Afterwards (after finding somewhere to park that wasn't going to get me a parking ticket) I headed to the apartment where I'm staying with a friend. The building itself looks fairly old, but the apartment itself is mondo neato. After having a short break, I decided a small serve of chips was in order for dinner, however upon heading out I bumped into some good friends who were having Italian. So I decided to order some spag bol to go while actually enjoying some social interaction for once. I then headed back to the apartment, had a shower and chilled out for a bit.<br />
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Now the big challenge - the evenings festivities. I learned pretty quickly that if I sat down for too long without dancing I started thinking. Given it was in a very loud, crowded place (a very high-stress situation for even the most neurotypical of us) thinking usually means thinking bad thoughts like "Obviously no one likes me." "I'm shit at dancing." "I should just give up." (I think I'm in for a couple of smacks from a couple of my dance teachers and fellow dancers for that last one)<br />
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So I was determined to spend as much time on the dance floor as possible - and the guys at Swingsation are AWESOME. Every dance had me grinning from ear to ear, even if I didn't get to dance with everyone I wanted to. Even towards the end of my evening when I was getting pretty tired and starting to slip into an attack I was still able to happily dance and maintain a <a href="http://normalautistic.blogspot.com/2016/05/swingsation-pre-party.html" target="_blank">panic scale</a> of between 2-3.<br />
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I think that might have been because I've found a niftly little device that keeps my core warm while leaving my arms free - an exercise vest. A lot of people commented that I must be baking, but I reckon that warmth bought me a couple of extra hours.<br />
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Anyway, there were times that I had to leave the dance floor, and that was for the Strictly Swing competition and the Classic competition. Sitting there trying to keep the bad thoughts away was stressful, and multiple times I wondered if I was even going to be able to dance again that night. Thankfully my sanity prevailed and I managed to last until a little after midnight. Yay me!<br />
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The best bit of all was the line dance we did - super simple and super fun to play with! I probably looked like the biggest dork in the world, but I really don't care. I had a blast!<br />
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All in all I had a great day - but it was a long one, and it's only Friday. There's still Saturday and Sunday to go. Do I have the energy and the mindset to last the full weekend without an attack, or worse, a full autistic meltdown? I'm worried that I don't, as I am thoroughly exhausted right now, and I haven't been sleeping well at all recently. My panic scale also peaked at 6 by the end of the night after being able to maintain a 4 last night. Is it just going to keep rising? Or am I just being paranoid?<br />
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Here's to a fun weekend for all, and hopefully all goes well!kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-34685000201483351762016-05-19T22:52:00.001+10:002016-05-19T22:52:28.780+10:00Swingsation: The Pre-Party!For those not lucky enough to be in the know, the annual Swingsation event is going down right now on the Gold Coast. Being of the shy, autistic and anxious persuasion, I have been pretty nervous heading up to this event, but as it turns out I might not need to worry.<br />
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Tonight was the pre-party, so I took today (and tomorrow and Monday) off work to prepare and enjoy. The day was all about preparation, getting clothes washed (and making an impromptu visit to the Target at the Queen St. Mall to get some pants). Plus my "Smoke Me A Kipper" shirt arrived in the post. I was worried this afternoon as I returned to the laundromat from the city on the bus (having shoved all of my washing into the dryer and racked off to the mall) that I might have spent one too many petrol tickets on the preparation (going to the post office + laundromat + visit to the city spells exhaustion). I was going to have a long drive ahead of me to the Gold Coast - was I going to be able to get through it all without having an attack?<br />
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The answer, happily enough, was yes. I did decide to leave at around 8.30-9pm though to drive back to Brisbane (before staying the weekend on the coast), thinking it was best that I left on a high. I managed to ask 3 people whom I had never met before in my life to dance (a huge undertaking for one such as I) and couldn't help but grin the entire time. It helped that the first thing that happened was that I ran into people I knew, which helped me feel safe.<br />
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Tomorrow will probably be an early start - I want to get a few social dances in before the workshops start. I had a lot of fun at the workshop tonight, Maxence and Virginie are AWESOME (and I WILL get at a social dance with Maxence if it kills me!). I hope too that I have the petrol tickets to get through the whole weekend without having an anxiety attack, while making lots of new friends and trying to be the most personable and social person I can be!<br />
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But best of all, I get to dance!<br />
<br />kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-16551128000197751312016-05-14T14:19:00.000+10:002016-05-14T14:19:40.252+10:00A Cycle of DepressionDepression sucks. I should know as unfortunately I am slowly coming out of another lovely depressive cycle, brought to you by stress and anxiety. I was stupid enough to take on a stressful project at work, which lasted a month and ended with me having a seven-day panic-attack (complete with chest pain, breathlessness, sore arms, painful neck and shoulders - the works!). I then fell into a depression (which thankfully wasn't as bad as it could have been - thanks Raw Con and my psychologist!) which seems to be in its last throes now. So I thought I would give you an overview of the timeline of how my depression seems to work. I'm hoping that I've got it figured out now, so now it's just a matter of recognising where I am in the cycle, and possibly preventing the depression from even happening in the first place.<br />
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Everyone will have a different cycle, so it's always good to try and figure out what your timeline is so you know when your danger periods are. It's good to keep friends and family informed too, which is another reason I'm writing this blog. If you haven't read my <a href="http://normalautistic.blogspot.com.au/2016/03/triggers-and-panic-attacks.html" target="_blank">previous blog where I talk about my panic scale</a>, you might want to take a look, as I refer to it in my timeline. I'm just a clusterfuck of fun times aren't I?<br />
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1. Everything is good.<br />
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At this stage is when I'm at my optimal levels. I'm functioning normally (well, as normally as I usually function), I have good routines settled in which allow me to work well while keeping happy and energized. I like being here. Yes, I still have my off days which admittedly sucks, but I get over them pretty quickly. I can easily keep myself to a 4 or under on the panic scale, sometimes getting to a 5 but rarely getting above a 6. If I do manage to get to an 8, it usually drops back to a 4 pretty quickly<br />
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2. I get overconfident.<br />
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Yep, I've been in those routines for a while now and I've gotten everything sorted out. I am OWNING the world! I can do anything! This is the big danger period, because this is when I usually start getting slack or signing up for things that realistically I simply can't handle.<br />
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3. Prolonged stress/series of unfortunate events.<br />
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I can still do it, I can get through it, I'm doing fine...those are the lies I start telling myself to get myself through this period, all while my energy starts to sap away and my routines fall apart and the good, solid base I've built for myself crumbles away. My panic scale starts sticking at a 5 or a 6 most of the time, which is a BAD thing, and I shoot to a 7 or 8 a lot quicker and find it a lot harder to come down.<br />
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4. Breakdown.<br />
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This can come in the form of a prolonged panic attack (like the seven-day panic attack), a full blown autistic meltdown (may that never happen again) or a nervous breakdown. Congratulations, you just reached 9 on the panic scale and you're not getting below an 8 any time soon!<br />
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5. Depression.<br />
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I'm stuck at 7 or 8 on the panic scale and it feels like there's no end in sight. Anyone who's had depression knows what it's like to be here. Here sucks.<br />
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6. Recovery.<br />
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The tail end of the depression sees me stay around the 5 or 6 mark on the panic scale, sometimes getting up to a 7 but starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I even get back down to a 4. How nice.<br />
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7. The Drop.<br />
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Talking with my psych yesterday, I mentioned that last time I had a depression I had about a month of paranoia, not caring, anger and anxiety before finally getting better. I call this the drop, which is the period just before I get back together where I become the most unbearable person in the world. I hate everyone, I'm certain I'm going to get fired, I'm certain everyone hates me. Basically I become a 15-year-old again.<br />
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And then after that it's back to square one again. Hopefully once I get back to square one I can stay there. I'll definitely be talking to friends, coworkers and management so they can make sure I don't go taking on any more than I can handle, so I don't plunge myself into another depression again. Because yes, this one was purely my own fault for volunteering for something that I realistically am not able to handle. Lesson learned!kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7532633294788058339.post-15611073581584552082016-05-04T19:49:00.000+10:002016-05-04T19:49:02.695+10:00I dislike todayToday is the one-year anniversary of when my fur-son, Bastet, was killed. I came home to find his dead body in a box under the stairs. I miss him so much it hurts, but that's not the only pain that comes from his death.<br />
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You see, even though I am a fertile young lady who would LOVE to have a large brood of children, I have ultimately decided against breeding. It hurts. My craving to be a mother has always been strong, just ask my siblings how maternal I can get sometimes. Hell, you don't even have to ask my blood siblings, you can ask any of the ones I seemed to have picked up along the way. So having the life of one of my fur-children cut drastically short is devastating to me.<br />
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"But if you want to be a mother so much, why don't you?" I hear you ask. Several reasons actually.<br />
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1. My poor genetics.<br />
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I am a genetic disaster. The mental illness alone is bad enough, and there is no way I'd ever, EVER put anyone through that (especially my own children). Now add on my genetic heart problems stemming all the way back through the maternal line, the dodgy knees and the fact that I am physically weaker than most ten-year-olds and I think it's probably best my dodgy genetic material stops with me. I seem to have been born at the shallow end of the gene pool, my brother got considerably better genes that what I have (he at least has hand-eye coordination and is strong for someone his age).<br />
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2. I'd make a terrible parent.<br />
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Did I mention my mental health? I still have a lot of trouble controlling my temper, and I will lash out at what a lot of people would consider insignificant things. When I'm angry, I go right for the jugular, and I always seem to know what words will hurt the most. I also have a hard time letting things go (I still shake with fury when I think about how my parents simply let my sister save over my first Pokémon game - I now have zero record of my first Pokémon, thanks for nothing) and I don't think things like that are particularly healthy for children.<br />
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3. No one will breed with me in the first place.<br />
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Yeah, the whole thing about breeding is that you need someone of the opposite sex in order to complete the process. Yes, there is a guy I'm interested in, and yes, I'm 99% certain he's aware of the fact (If he isn't he's exceptionally thick) but there's no way I'd put him through being with me. It's not that I'm a bad person, it's simply that I'm better off by myself. Most of my time I spend alone anyway, and I enjoy my time to myself. That's not to say I don't crave affection, but if I ever want a hug, I'll just go to dance class where they hand out hugs like lollies. Besides (and we are going into wayyy too much information here) no man can ever do for me what a couple of AAA batteries can.<br />
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That all being said, at least once a day I sadly think of the life I'm not going to have. I do want someone to love and to love me, and I desperately crave my own family. The thing is, I know it'd be a bad idea, ending with someone getting hurt. I don't want to hurt people, especially not my own (non-existent) children.<br />
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So if you're hanging out with me (especially to my friends who are younger than me) and I start fussing over you, you now know why. And I'm always up for "adopting" more younger siblings so if you ever wanted a big sister, I'm more than happy to help!kezzstarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13450342363556978064noreply@blogger.com0