We aren't so insignificant

Note to self - no more red cordial before bed, because I highly doubt I'm qualified to talk about what I'm about to talk about.

ANYWAY, as happens when I'm lying in bed at night, infused with aforementioned red cordial, I tend to think of the stars. Big, beautiful, shining stars that are huge, great hubs of energy that power entire solar systems, worlds, lives. I think to myself how small they look from Earth, but how big they really are, and how many of them there are. Amazing to think how big not just the Galaxy, but the entire Universe is.

On the flipside, look at what the Universe is made of. Tiny little molecules, atoms, that not even our eyes can register. If your mind is blown thinking about how many of those tiny little specks make up one human being, imagine the WHOLE UNIVERSE being made out of those tiny little building blocks.

And then there's us. It's easy to pass us off as being as insignificant as one of those tiny little atoms that make up a huge picture, but while at the moment we're only one tiny speck, I reckon humanity as a whole is only going to get bigger. The past week alone has been proof of that, we've sent technology, OUR technology, that WE made, to another planet in our solar system (Hi Mars!) and not only that, but we're communicating with it. It's massive when you think of where humanity has come from. Not even a hundred years ago, if you wanted to be heard, you were very strapped for options. You could send a story to a newspaper or publish one yourself, but you were at the mercy of publishers, and many voices were cut off at the source.

Today is so, SO different, and this blog is proof of it. This blog can be seen by ANYONE IN THE WORLD WITH AN INTERNET CONNECTION. My voice, my words, are out there for the entire Planet to see. Sure, most people ignore it, but I have a voice, I can be heard. It won't be too long now in my honest opinion before the whole Solar System can hear me, and many like me. After that, the Galaxy, and after that, the Universe. Hell, we might even take over the multi-verse (told you I wasn't qualified to talk about this sort of stuff).

So next time you look at the stars, don't think about how tiny and insignificant you think you are. Think about the endless possibilities each one of those stars, powering its own solar system with its own planets, can be.

No more thinking for me!

Desex your pets for the love of all that is good in this world!

Back before Morgan Beaglehoven I died, my sisters dickheaded then-boyfriend bought home a beautiful black-and-white boxer cross named Skipper (herein referred to as Skip or the Skipper-dog) for my sister. She has since grown up to be the most loving, beautiful dog you could ever hope to meet. The only thing is she's clingy. Very, very clingy. She's currently living with my brother, my sister-in-law, their two sons and Eli the staffy, and has already destroyed a screen door. My short-tempted little shit of a brother (I love him, honest I do) has decided that the Skipper-dog has to go, and now the hunt is on for a no-kill shelter to send Skip to. What is my sister doing, considering Skip is technically her dog? Nothing. My poor mother is distraught, as she loves Skipper dearly, but is unable to take her as she is trying to sell her house.

I have since found out that Skipper is the only survivor of her litter, the rest were destroyed as pups as they were unwanted. I am FURIOUS. This whole mess could have been avoided if the owners of Skippers parents were responsible pet owners and bothered to get their pets desexed. Because none of this is Skippers fault, it's the fault of my sister and her ex, neither of whom are willing to take responsibility for the dog they brought into my mothers life. I myself would LOVE to have Skipper, however I have no yard for her. Otherwise she'd be spoilt rotten with the love that she craves (she lives for the words "Good girl!"), being allowed to sit inside of an evening and rest her head on my lap or play with her cousin Cheynee.

Animals aren't a novelty, they are a beautiful gift that lasts a lifetime. They are family, not toys, and as such should be treated with the reverence and respect they deserve. Unless you are a registered breeder, it's no big deal to desex your animal. Unless you are prepared to put the time and effort in, with walking, playing, feeding, cleaning, and just plain chilling out with your pet, then don't get one.

How can you not love that Skipper-dog face? I so wish I could keep her!

Morgan was my sidekick and best friend. To this day I consider him to be the greatest friend I have ever had. There will never be anyone or anything that can replace him, and my memories of him are my most treasured.

Bastet, my son who was taken from me far too soon and far too cruelly. I can never forgive myself for my anger with him the day before, even though I told him that I loved him I wish I could have him back just so I could hold him one last time and tell him how much he was loved, and how much light he brought to my life.

My suriving fur-daughter Cheynee, who has only grown more dear to me since I lost her brother. There's nothing like her cuddles after a hard day at work, and although she'll never be Morgan, she fills a hole in my heart and fills my life with love and cat fur.

My Top Five Boss Themes

I've written a blog on Final Boss Music before, stating that annoys the ever-living crap out of me when for main boss battles you get awesome, fist-pumping music only to be given something rather lacklustre for the final boss. So, today I've decided to celebrate the Main Boss themes that I think should have been carried over to the Final Boss. Enjoy!

5. Final Fantasy 7 - Fight On!

How can you NOT love the heavy rock sound that gets you pumped to beat up on the toughest of foes. My first memory of this song was watching my older cousin Alan get his backside handed to him repeatedly by the Lost Number in Shinra Mansion in Nibelhelm. Since then I've loved it to bits, and was disappointed when it was overtaken by One Winged Angel for the final boss fight against Sephiroth.

4. Deep Duck Trouble

This one pisses me off on SO many levels it's not funny. Not only did they do away with the fun and interesting "Escape the Boss" battles of the earlier levels, they even changed the music to something I can't even remember! Come on, the last level should have been an awesome escape from the island after all the inhabitants you pissed off come back to try and stop you from getting away with their treasures.

3. Land of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse

THIS BOSS MUSIC IS SO AWESOME! Not only that, but the main castle theme is pretty rad too - and both got nerfed if favour of two rather forgetable tracks. The first time I heard this against the Dragon of the Blacksmiths Castle I was PUMPED. It helps that I love that boss too.

2. Sonic 3 and Knuckles

That opening gets me every single time. As much as I do enjoy the final Boss theme of this game (not including the Super Sonic stage) this one is superior in every way in my book. It's fun, it makes me want to play fast and it's super-boppy - what makes a great boss theme in my opinion.

1. Lord of the Dance - Warriors

What, I never said this was limited to video games, did I? I've loved this piece since I was eight years old, and in my opinion it never gets old. It just oozes badassery and power, intimidation and energy, and after listening to it I need to calm myself down a bit before I can listen to anything else.

And who can forget the best boss battle ever?

When Michael Flatley jumps in I get a huge rush of energy like you wouldn't believe. I love this piece!

Top 5 Giants Players (other than Joel Patfull)

So, my first season as a Giantess is over. After spending the preseason determined to hate every moment of it, I have, to my shame and horror and disgust, grown rather fond of the Orange Army. Of course, I'd rather lose as a Lion than win as a Giant any day of the week, but even I have to admit, having a second team isn't a bad idea. For a start, there's a definite reason to watch more footy on the weekend (and is that ever a bad thing?), not to mention the players that you start to fall in love with. Speaking of, here are five of the Giants that I fell for this year.

5. Heath Shaw

That is the sound of my mother disowning me. I really, really tried as hard as I could NOT to like "Heater", but I couldn't help it. It's not his fault he and his brother used to play for one of the scumiest teams around and that his uncle is one of my least favourite commentators. Not only is he hilarious, he's also a great defender and a good club man. Just not at the Lions.

4. Devon Smith

My first Giants game was the win against Hawthorn, and this classy midfielder definitely got my attention with the first two goals for the Giants. He's had a solid year and although I'm always going to be for the defenders, this young man has definitely got my attention.

3. Matt Buntine

If it weren't for that unholy man bun then he'd easily have taken the number two spot (well, maybe, he DID take out Joel Patfull, albeit accidently). He reminds me a little of Justin Clarke, a classy young defender who will be highly dangerous once he gets some experience under his belt, and with players like Joel and Heath Shaw around him he's easily headed in the right direction.

2. Jon Patton

Would be number one of this list, except for the little fact that he's not a member of the Mens Club (YAY DEFENDERS). You have to admire this young man, even though he's had to endure two knee recos already he's still working his guts out and looks determined to be a Giants legend. I first saw him play live at Metripong when he smashed the scums reserves, kicking himself a bag and putting himself back on the map. I honestly can't wait to see this young man shine, and would be thrilled if he somehow made his way up north to the Lions. Good-looking young bloke too

1. Phil Davis

It was watching this guy talk to Joelly in the Virgin Australia Arrival videos that made me want to get to know him, and by extension his team mates, better. This guy was like the gateway drug that made me start to care about the Giants. And if it wasn't his charisma, it was his playing. Phil Davis owns that backline, and in my opinion there is no one better to run the joint. Yes, it might help that he has a couple of experienced heads with Patfull and Shaw there, but he manages them beautifully along with youngsters like Buntine and Bugg. I can easily see why he's one of the Captains of the Giants, and they can only go from strength to strength with him in charge.

These players have made me learn to appreciate footy as a whole a lot more, not just being a one-dimensional Lions fan. That being said, they're still the enemy and I hope they get creamed next year when they come up against the mighty LIONS.

Otherwise, I hope they all have a great 2016!

It's okay to be okay

First off, sorry for the hiatus, my laptop pulled a Mr. Spock on me - but it's all right, it's come back better than ever (8GB is better than 4GB after all!) and I can get back to writing rubbish.

Anyway, as many would be aware, December last year I had a complete mental breakdown that ended in depression, not helped by my anxiety and my ever-present demon Autism. Thankfully I have a brilliant boss and a great team at work around me, not to mention an awesome family and I'm on the road to recovery.

It's taken me a while though to admit that I'm getting better. Recently I've been very up and down, and I suspect my reluctance to accept myself as a functioning human being isn't helping. Every time things have started looking up recently, I haven't let myself enjoy it as much as I should be. Why? Because I'm terrified. After the train-wreck that was 2014 I've become gun-shy of admitting that I am a pretty snazzy person and that good things do happen to me, and that I deserve them. I've been angry with myself for getting depressed and being sick, not to mention I've been worried about what others think of me - I think everyone with depression and anxiety can relate to the number of times I've questioned whether or not my co-workers like and respect me.

The thing is though, by denying myself the healing I need and deserve, I'm also doing a disservice to those who have stood by me. I mean, I'm sure some of my co-workers will read the last paragraph and feel a little hurt. After all they've done for me and I think so little of them? That's what anxiety does ladies and gentlemen, it sucks.

Over the past week I've accepted that I'm not a horrible, broken human being who should be wiped off the face of the planet. I'm a pretty good person who just got lumped with some shitty programming. I deserve to heal and be happy, and to have good things happen to me.

So that's my message to those who are in the same boat as me. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to heal and most of all you deserve to love yourself.

And with that, I leave you with my new theme song:

Self-esteem: I don't gots

Self-esteem. The measure of your own self-worth, your ability to love and like yourself, to believe good things about yourself.

Yeah, I don't have it. Seriously, my self-esteem is so broken I flinch when complimented, and if anyone says anything to really pump me up (like my poor unfortunate boss tries to do) I completely recoil and can't process it. It physically hurts to accept a compliment.

Of course, I mask this well by having great self-confidence, but there's a huge difference between KNOWING you can do something and BELIEVING you are good enough to do something. Unfortunately, it's a case of having to fake it 'til you make it, but as anyone with an anxiety-based disorder will tell you, the task is compounded by a constant fear and anxiety - how the hell are you supposed to believe in yourself and value yourself when you're always scared? Of course, then you get frustrated with yourself and that doesn't exactly help matters either.

One thing I always try to hold on to are my friends and family, particularly my brilliant coworkers who I know believe in me and try not to let me fall. I'm exceptionally lucky to work in a place where I can be open about my mental illness and know that I will be supported. It's a start in rebuilding my self-esteem - I'm sure I'll get there one day.

Thanks everyone. 

Theme Songs

Heavens to Murgatroid I can not be the only one who has a theme song that they belt out daily before they get to work/school/whatevs. A theme song is a song that defines you at that point in your life, that announces to people that you're here, and this is who you are. So here's a few of my previous theme songs!

2001-2005 "Runaway" by Linkin Park

I WAS A TEENAGER! A drastically misunderstood teenager, but a teenager none-the-less. The dream of leaving Oakey for the big city in Brisbane pretty much started here, and I spent many nights dreaming of the day I would run away from that miserable place and the people in it. Trust me, I'm not the only one who wants out of there.

2005-2011 "Rollin'" by Limp Bizkit

My favourite wrestler of all time is definitely the Undertaker, and I loved his "American Badass" persona. I was coming out of my teen days and was going through a tough relationship, so I needed something that made me feel invincible.

2011-2014 "Escape From The City" by Ted Poley

This song always makes me think of the great 2012 and the even better 2013 I had. I had just left my ex and I was ready to break free and take on the city. Nothing was going to stop me. Except 2014, but that's another story.

2014-present "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)" by Nine Days

2014 SUCKED, and it ended with a mental breakdown. So now I'm the girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. Hopefully even though I look so sad in photographs someone absolutely loves me (and hopefully it's the guy who I'm currently harbouring a crush on. Nope, not naming names, and it's not Joel Patfull for once!). After all, my whole point of existing is to make people smile.