Achievement

Did you know that my epic, Chuckles and Giggles, is over a year old? How times flies huh? Especially when you consider that this week I'll be releasing the big Chapter 50! I can still remember publishing the first chapter, debating on whether or not I'd splurge on an artist (I did, and I'm glad I did, Thien Uncage - formerly Ginc Dmon - is now one of my great friends and artistic associates. At least he doesn't suggest I kill off all my characters every time I ask him for advice), seeing my characters for the first time (as my team got walloped by the Crows. Fuck you Adelaide) and completing the story I started back when I was 18. The original story was pretty much the first 39 chapters that I've published (minus the Tate and Webster saga, which was added later in response to my personal life, but adding another saga which I swear will see the light of day eventually), so chapter 40 and beyond has been completely new ideas that I'm now having to come up with as I go - it's interesting, and the way I've come up with ideas is pretty interesting too. From random flashes of brilliance in the middle of the night (UGH) to my co-workers insisting that because characters have died in my books that I am a cold-blooded murderer (AM NOT AM NOT AM NOT), inspiration has certainly come along in many forms.

But that's not what this blog is about. This blog is celebrating the fact that despite low views (including family and friends who for whatever reasons refuse to read it) and some set-backs I have managed to apply myself consistently to a project for a full year and see it out. I'm pretty proud of myself on that front, and that's something I haven't felt in a while. When you're suffering from depression, it's easy to just brush off everything you've achieved ("Oh, anyone could have done that." "So what, it's just what I'm supposed to be doing anyway."). So today, I'm going to try and celebrate how far I've come from last year.

1. Getting to work regularly

At the beginning of the year, the thought of coming to work every day for a full week, let alone multiple weeks in a row, seemed like a pipe dream.  Now, apart from the odd day when I'm physically ill or so roont that I can barely move, I'm getting to work every work day. I'm no where near working at my optimal levels, but still, it's progress.

2. Exercising

Ask anyone who lives in Oakey what you'd see if you looked outside at 5am on a weekday morning back in 2012/2013 and they'd answer "Kerryn walking to work." At lunch time every day I went out walking (and dodging Swoopy the Magpie, and boy wouldn't Jerry Springer have a field day with him and the POTYs!). I was healthy, happy and fit, and many insults were thrown my way when people asked how much weight I'd lost over the years. I let that slide when I moved to Brisbane, to my deteriment. Now I walk at lunch times on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and walk home via the New Farm Riverwalk. On Saturdays I usually do a short walk and on Sundays is my 16/17km hike around New Farm, Kangaroo Point and South Bank. I'm looking and feeling much better for it.

3. Dancing

I used to love Latin dancing (Ballroom not so much). But West Coast Swing is SO much more fun. Either way, twice a week I'm dancing, which is not only great exercise, but my posture has improved (mainly due to taking every opportunity I can to practise my "frame" and "anchor") and my anxiety is lower than it used to be.

It probably doesn't look like much, but every achievement is a big thing when it comes to recovering from depression. Even if you've never suffered depression or any form of mental illness before, I think you still owe it to yourself to take a moment to celebrate what you've achieved. YAY US!

Typing stuff into a blog post

-I should totally do a blog post on the random things that run into my head when I'm sitting at the laundromat waiting for my washing. Or I could write some of my books...nah, this is fun.

-Although that stupid thing where if I'm accidently holding the shift key when I hit the space bar on my shiny bluetooth keyboard and it tells me to fuck off is really annoying.

-Fall Out Boy can be catchy as hell. No shame.

-Wow, I finally decide to write down everything I think and suddenly my brain goes blank. Maybe I should start trying to go to sleep with a keyboard and an open blog post in front of me.

-I am such a spazz.

-I wish Meagan was here. I haven't seen that little twerp in like forever. I think she's probably gotten too cool for me though. I remember when she used to try and hang out with me all the time and it annoyed me. God I was such a shit sister back then.

-I wish Natalie didn't live so far away. I wish my two sisters could meet one day, and we'd all get along and be BFFs and cause all sorts of trouble. I miss my sisters.

-I wish I had room for a dog. Skipper would love it here, just chilling out at the laundromat. It'd be her version of heaven on earth, just chilling out with her human.

-I wonder if he's figured out I like him yet? I mean, surely to god it's as obvious as the dick on Eddie McGuires head. They'll be making windows out of me soon I'm that transparent, I think everyone else has figured it out.

-OMFG I LOVE THIS SONG! I so want to sing. I wanna sing so badly, but there are strangers around and I have earphones in and her dogs talking me but she's outta reach, oooh she's got a body, under that shirt, but all she wants to do is rub my face in the dirt this song is the greatest thing ever man. The only reason I'd drive a car is so I can listen to this song and sing as loud as possible. I can't dance, I can't talk, only thing about me is the way that I walk!

-I wonder what my readers will be thinking when they get to this point?

-What the fuck am I going to do for the next Chuckles and Giggles story arc? I have a whole list of ideas yet none of them are really popping out to me. Y'know, for a story that's supposed to focus on both Belle and Charlie I make it so Belle-orientated it's not funny.

-OMG Locked Away, suddenly I'm thinking of dance class. I am SO glad I got back into some form of dance. Dancing, writing, colouring in, singing, sometimes I wonder why I ever bothered trying to play footy...oh yeah...

-I wonder if I'm good enough for him. I mean, he's so attractive and intelligent and funny and cool and I'm just...me. I have no chance. I'm not particularly pretty, I'm still overweight, I have the social skills of a decomposed horse that just farted and I'm overall just weird. All I can really do is write, dance and be nice to people. Oh, and make really bad jokes.

-*incriminating thought deleted*

-I really have this love/hate thing going on with water. Seriously, sometimes the mere thought of it makes me want to vomit, and sometimes I love it. Usually first thing in the morning when I wake up is when I hate the taste most and I have to dilute it with cordial, which is probably the worst time to be drinking cordial.

-Are my legs going to get sunburned sitting here? Maybe I should move over slightly so I'm not in the sun. I hate my skin sometimes, I have the most awful tan lines because I inisist on going outside and exercising, and then I can't wear anything strappy or backless. First world problems, on my birthday I'll just get a spray tan and even it all out. God I'm pathetic.

-Alice Cooper! Funnily enough every time I hear "Poison" I think about when we were driving from Adelaide to Penrith. I can't remember whether or not it was when we moved or when we were visiting but meh. My mother gave me good taste in music.

-Washing done - damn it, socks got caught in the lining, I hate it when that happens and they're all wet and ugh, anyway, now to move this shit to the dryer and make myself look like a tool. Not that I have to try hard.

-Anyway, what was I thinking? That's right, the number 24, because my washing is in the dryer for 24 minutes. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth dropping the 24 from my pen name, Kezzstar24, because let's face it, I'm well over Joel Patfull, but I can't ever change the fact that he inspired me and made me want to be a better person. If it wasn't for him, I might not have had the courage to leave my ex and move to Brisbane...and I certainly would never have met HIM. The 24 stays. Besides, you can't deny that Joel is probably the greatest defender in the histroy of ever.

-I must be the only person in the world who looks forward to work. Not the actual work, but just chilling with my cool coworkers. It's nice to finally have coworkers who give a damn about me and I can actually call friends. Like Jess. She's awesome. Wish Natalie would come back sometimes, us girls could have some fun (at the guys expense of course). Garry is pretty awesome too. One day I might actually get around to telling him how much I appreciate him and Grant and Timmy. I miss having all four of us in the same office, although it was probably for the best we got seperated, someone might have walked in at the wrong moment and got all offended. The new guys are pretty swell too, I'd love to get to know Luke, Jeff and Darren better. I'm glad Jeff's the "Key Bitch", I reckon we're gonna get along great and be good friends. I'll always be grateful to Luke for re-introducing me to dance and he's also a surprisingly calming influence. Darren seems like the cool dad type too. I can't stress enough how Carl is the best boss in the world, without him I daresay I'd probably be in a really bad place or dead. Did I mention how cool Jess is? It's nice to have someone who will help me antagonise the boys.

-I'm listening to Bruno Mars. Sweet.

-Now I'm getting bored. And I've gotta lug this lot home yet. UGH. Wish I had Tenny, I could sing "I Can't Dance" on the way home. I really need to get over that little hang up. I should start singing in public and be proud, damn it!

-Annnnnd I'm thinking of HIM again. I really do have a one-track mind.

-I wanna ride a steam train. I should have been a train driver. That'd be so cool.

-Icy poles. Want

-I wonder if any of my coworkers will read this. I wonder if they'll be flattered by what I've said about them, or creeped out. I'm going with creeped out.

-Really want to start dancing now. Not proper dancing, I wanna just have fun. Start shuffling.

-I miss Dr. Evil from Oakey. He was one of the very few people from that god-forsaken hell-hole that I even bother talking to anymore. I should send him an email at work tomorrow, see how he's doing.

-I hope I don't have to go in a lift tomorrow. I hate lifts. I hate the jolting feeling under your feet when they move and it goes straight to my stomach and my nerves and I hate it! Same with planes taking off, landing and turbulance. Don't get me started on fucking STAIRS. That moment when you've only got one foot rooting you to the stair above has got to be the worst feeling in the world.

-Less than 3 minutes to go, then I have to sort and fold my washing and then lug it home. UGH.

-I should go for a walk after I get home. That'd be awesome. I love walking and listening to music. I should go past Kangaroo Point again. I love it there. The moonlight walk last night was so sweet. Wish I'd had someone with me though...*hint hint*

-Less than one minute to go! Well, I hope that everyone has enjoyed my random thoughts that probably make no sense. If you have no idea how I made the connection from one idea to the next, congratulations, you probably won't be wasting money on a shrink any time soon!

Toodles!

We aren't so insignificant

Note to self - no more red cordial before bed, because I highly doubt I'm qualified to talk about what I'm about to talk about.

ANYWAY, as happens when I'm lying in bed at night, infused with aforementioned red cordial, I tend to think of the stars. Big, beautiful, shining stars that are huge, great hubs of energy that power entire solar systems, worlds, lives. I think to myself how small they look from Earth, but how big they really are, and how many of them there are. Amazing to think how big not just the Galaxy, but the entire Universe is.

On the flipside, look at what the Universe is made of. Tiny little molecules, atoms, that not even our eyes can register. If your mind is blown thinking about how many of those tiny little specks make up one human being, imagine the WHOLE UNIVERSE being made out of those tiny little building blocks.

And then there's us. It's easy to pass us off as being as insignificant as one of those tiny little atoms that make up a huge picture, but while at the moment we're only one tiny speck, I reckon humanity as a whole is only going to get bigger. The past week alone has been proof of that, we've sent technology, OUR technology, that WE made, to another planet in our solar system (Hi Mars!) and not only that, but we're communicating with it. It's massive when you think of where humanity has come from. Not even a hundred years ago, if you wanted to be heard, you were very strapped for options. You could send a story to a newspaper or publish one yourself, but you were at the mercy of publishers, and many voices were cut off at the source.

Today is so, SO different, and this blog is proof of it. This blog can be seen by ANYONE IN THE WORLD WITH AN INTERNET CONNECTION. My voice, my words, are out there for the entire Planet to see. Sure, most people ignore it, but I have a voice, I can be heard. It won't be too long now in my honest opinion before the whole Solar System can hear me, and many like me. After that, the Galaxy, and after that, the Universe. Hell, we might even take over the multi-verse (told you I wasn't qualified to talk about this sort of stuff).

So next time you look at the stars, don't think about how tiny and insignificant you think you are. Think about the endless possibilities each one of those stars, powering its own solar system with its own planets, can be.

No more thinking for me!

Desex your pets for the love of all that is good in this world!

Back before Morgan Beaglehoven I died, my sisters dickheaded then-boyfriend bought home a beautiful black-and-white boxer cross named Skipper (herein referred to as Skip or the Skipper-dog) for my sister. She has since grown up to be the most loving, beautiful dog you could ever hope to meet. The only thing is she's clingy. Very, very clingy. She's currently living with my brother, my sister-in-law, their two sons and Eli the staffy, and has already destroyed a screen door. My short-tempted little shit of a brother (I love him, honest I do) has decided that the Skipper-dog has to go, and now the hunt is on for a no-kill shelter to send Skip to. What is my sister doing, considering Skip is technically her dog? Nothing. My poor mother is distraught, as she loves Skipper dearly, but is unable to take her as she is trying to sell her house.

I have since found out that Skipper is the only survivor of her litter, the rest were destroyed as pups as they were unwanted. I am FURIOUS. This whole mess could have been avoided if the owners of Skippers parents were responsible pet owners and bothered to get their pets desexed. Because none of this is Skippers fault, it's the fault of my sister and her ex, neither of whom are willing to take responsibility for the dog they brought into my mothers life. I myself would LOVE to have Skipper, however I have no yard for her. Otherwise she'd be spoilt rotten with the love that she craves (she lives for the words "Good girl!"), being allowed to sit inside of an evening and rest her head on my lap or play with her cousin Cheynee.

Animals aren't a novelty, they are a beautiful gift that lasts a lifetime. They are family, not toys, and as such should be treated with the reverence and respect they deserve. Unless you are a registered breeder, it's no big deal to desex your animal. Unless you are prepared to put the time and effort in, with walking, playing, feeding, cleaning, and just plain chilling out with your pet, then don't get one.

How can you not love that Skipper-dog face? I so wish I could keep her!

Morgan was my sidekick and best friend. To this day I consider him to be the greatest friend I have ever had. There will never be anyone or anything that can replace him, and my memories of him are my most treasured.

Bastet, my son who was taken from me far too soon and far too cruelly. I can never forgive myself for my anger with him the day before, even though I told him that I loved him I wish I could have him back just so I could hold him one last time and tell him how much he was loved, and how much light he brought to my life.

My suriving fur-daughter Cheynee, who has only grown more dear to me since I lost her brother. There's nothing like her cuddles after a hard day at work, and although she'll never be Morgan, she fills a hole in my heart and fills my life with love and cat fur.

My Top Five Boss Themes

I've written a blog on Final Boss Music before, stating that annoys the ever-living crap out of me when for main boss battles you get awesome, fist-pumping music only to be given something rather lacklustre for the final boss. So, today I've decided to celebrate the Main Boss themes that I think should have been carried over to the Final Boss. Enjoy!

5. Final Fantasy 7 - Fight On!

How can you NOT love the heavy rock sound that gets you pumped to beat up on the toughest of foes. My first memory of this song was watching my older cousin Alan get his backside handed to him repeatedly by the Lost Number in Shinra Mansion in Nibelhelm. Since then I've loved it to bits, and was disappointed when it was overtaken by One Winged Angel for the final boss fight against Sephiroth.

4. Deep Duck Trouble

This one pisses me off on SO many levels it's not funny. Not only did they do away with the fun and interesting "Escape the Boss" battles of the earlier levels, they even changed the music to something I can't even remember! Come on, the last level should have been an awesome escape from the island after all the inhabitants you pissed off come back to try and stop you from getting away with their treasures.

3. Land of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse

THIS BOSS MUSIC IS SO AWESOME! Not only that, but the main castle theme is pretty rad too - and both got nerfed if favour of two rather forgetable tracks. The first time I heard this against the Dragon of the Blacksmiths Castle I was PUMPED. It helps that I love that boss too.

2. Sonic 3 and Knuckles

That opening gets me every single time. As much as I do enjoy the final Boss theme of this game (not including the Super Sonic stage) this one is superior in every way in my book. It's fun, it makes me want to play fast and it's super-boppy - what makes a great boss theme in my opinion.

1. Lord of the Dance - Warriors

What, I never said this was limited to video games, did I? I've loved this piece since I was eight years old, and in my opinion it never gets old. It just oozes badassery and power, intimidation and energy, and after listening to it I need to calm myself down a bit before I can listen to anything else.

And who can forget the best boss battle ever?

When Michael Flatley jumps in I get a huge rush of energy like you wouldn't believe. I love this piece!

Top 5 Giants Players (other than Joel Patfull)

So, my first season as a Giantess is over. After spending the preseason determined to hate every moment of it, I have, to my shame and horror and disgust, grown rather fond of the Orange Army. Of course, I'd rather lose as a Lion than win as a Giant any day of the week, but even I have to admit, having a second team isn't a bad idea. For a start, there's a definite reason to watch more footy on the weekend (and is that ever a bad thing?), not to mention the players that you start to fall in love with. Speaking of, here are five of the Giants that I fell for this year.

5. Heath Shaw

That is the sound of my mother disowning me. I really, really tried as hard as I could NOT to like "Heater", but I couldn't help it. It's not his fault he and his brother used to play for one of the scumiest teams around and that his uncle is one of my least favourite commentators. Not only is he hilarious, he's also a great defender and a good club man. Just not at the Lions.

4. Devon Smith

My first Giants game was the win against Hawthorn, and this classy midfielder definitely got my attention with the first two goals for the Giants. He's had a solid year and although I'm always going to be for the defenders, this young man has definitely got my attention.

3. Matt Buntine

If it weren't for that unholy man bun then he'd easily have taken the number two spot (well, maybe, he DID take out Joel Patfull, albeit accidently). He reminds me a little of Justin Clarke, a classy young defender who will be highly dangerous once he gets some experience under his belt, and with players like Joel and Heath Shaw around him he's easily headed in the right direction.

2. Jon Patton

Would be number one of this list, except for the little fact that he's not a member of the Mens Club (YAY DEFENDERS). You have to admire this young man, even though he's had to endure two knee recos already he's still working his guts out and looks determined to be a Giants legend. I first saw him play live at Metripong when he smashed the scums reserves, kicking himself a bag and putting himself back on the map. I honestly can't wait to see this young man shine, and would be thrilled if he somehow made his way up north to the Lions. Good-looking young bloke too

1. Phil Davis

It was watching this guy talk to Joelly in the Virgin Australia Arrival videos that made me want to get to know him, and by extension his team mates, better. This guy was like the gateway drug that made me start to care about the Giants. And if it wasn't his charisma, it was his playing. Phil Davis owns that backline, and in my opinion there is no one better to run the joint. Yes, it might help that he has a couple of experienced heads with Patfull and Shaw there, but he manages them beautifully along with youngsters like Buntine and Bugg. I can easily see why he's one of the Captains of the Giants, and they can only go from strength to strength with him in charge.

These players have made me learn to appreciate footy as a whole a lot more, not just being a one-dimensional Lions fan. That being said, they're still the enemy and I hope they get creamed next year when they come up against the mighty LIONS.

Otherwise, I hope they all have a great 2016!

It's okay to be okay

First off, sorry for the hiatus, my laptop pulled a Mr. Spock on me - but it's all right, it's come back better than ever (8GB is better than 4GB after all!) and I can get back to writing rubbish.

Anyway, as many would be aware, December last year I had a complete mental breakdown that ended in depression, not helped by my anxiety and my ever-present demon Autism. Thankfully I have a brilliant boss and a great team at work around me, not to mention an awesome family and I'm on the road to recovery.

It's taken me a while though to admit that I'm getting better. Recently I've been very up and down, and I suspect my reluctance to accept myself as a functioning human being isn't helping. Every time things have started looking up recently, I haven't let myself enjoy it as much as I should be. Why? Because I'm terrified. After the train-wreck that was 2014 I've become gun-shy of admitting that I am a pretty snazzy person and that good things do happen to me, and that I deserve them. I've been angry with myself for getting depressed and being sick, not to mention I've been worried about what others think of me - I think everyone with depression and anxiety can relate to the number of times I've questioned whether or not my co-workers like and respect me.

The thing is though, by denying myself the healing I need and deserve, I'm also doing a disservice to those who have stood by me. I mean, I'm sure some of my co-workers will read the last paragraph and feel a little hurt. After all they've done for me and I think so little of them? That's what anxiety does ladies and gentlemen, it sucks.

Over the past week I've accepted that I'm not a horrible, broken human being who should be wiped off the face of the planet. I'm a pretty good person who just got lumped with some shitty programming. I deserve to heal and be happy, and to have good things happen to me.

So that's my message to those who are in the same boat as me. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to heal and most of all you deserve to love yourself.

And with that, I leave you with my new theme song: