Accept it and Move On

I hear the phrase "Accept it and move on" uttered quite a lot, especially as a trans non-binary person. Of course, usually the person saying it means "Accept it and don't try to change yourself" which I think is a pretty poor interpretation of the saying.

I was thinking about this when I think about the things I have to accept. I am my mothers child, and my grandmothers grandchild. Two people who I feel could have lived so much better than what they did. My grandmother chained to her bitterness and spite, my mother chained to my grandmother and her duty. I have to accept that I have my grandmothers inclination towards spite and bitterness, and that I have my mothers inclination towards craving approval and acceptance from places that will never give it. Accepting these facts though doesn't mean I have to live like them. I can accept that yes, I can be extremely bitter and spiteful, and that I crave approval from people who will never approve of me, but to me the"moving on" part means I can make the choice to change. I can make the choice to seek help and learn to be different. I can accept that I look exactly like both these women, I can move on by shaving and dying my hair colours both of them would never go near (not that they didn't want to mind) and getting piercings in my face. I can go to a psychologist and talk about my inclinations towards traits I don't like that I've inherited, and learn strategies to avoid being like that.

Acceptance isn't always easy. It's taken me a long time to accept these things, to look at myself in the mirror long enough to acknowledge the facts. Doing so however has allowed me to move on. I can be me. I can look like me. I can accept that I am a lot like them, and I can use that to make sure that I am not them, that I am ME.

So next time someone tells you to "Accept it and move on" they might just have a point - not that they were intending to make it ha ha!

Voluntary Assisted Dying and why I hate Silent Hill 2

So a few days ago one of my favourite Twitch streamers was streaming the original Silent Hill 2. I didn't think too much of it until it got up to the scene where James watches the video. Spoiler alert: James murdered his terminally ill wife. I knew about this twist, but I hadn't been worried about it for years. Now the scene was super-triggering and I left the stream. I spent the rest of the day hurt and angry. Please note that I hold no blame towards the streamer for what happened, this was completely on  me for not being careful.

Why was I so upset? My mother, who once blogged under the name GourmetGoose, died August 16, 2020 after over a year of fighting bowel cancer. It wasn't a pretty death. My Dad, my siblings and I had to make the decision to turn off her life support after she fell into a coma that she would never wake from. We knew there was no hope of her recovering, so chose not to prolong her suffering. Watching how the game handled this awful, awful decision made me feel sick, angry and guilty. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, because Mum was gone anyway, but I still spent the rest of the day ruminating on it. No one should ever have to make the decision that we had to that day. No one should be left in that position, having to decide whether or not it's in someone's best interests to terminate their life.

This is why I was so happy to see Voluntary Assisted Dying, or VAD, be made legal in Queensland. I think how we die should be up to us wherever possible, and if it can be done in a way that minimises suffering and trauma for those left behind then even better. Imagine if instead of slowly wasting away unconscious for three days, my Mum could have picked her date of death before it got to that stage. She could have had her final day be the best day of her life. We could have had a huge send-off for her (Mumsie did love to party). I wish Mum could have had that choice, and that we hadn't had to make that choice for her.

This is why legal wills are so important too. Making sure that it's recorded somewhere what your wishes are for your death and afterwards is so vitally important (especially for LGBTQIA+ people whose wishes could easily be disregarded by unapproving family if legal safeguards aren't in place). It's not something that anyone wants to talk about, but it's such an important conversation to have. What happens if you can't make that decision for yourself? What happens to your body? What kind of funeral would you like to have? I myself am going to be an organ donor. I've already made it extremely clear to my husband and family that this is what I want. I've also had to think about what happens to my dear little Cheynee if anything happens to me - I don't want her left scared and alone at a shelter. 

One day I'll write about the amazing life my Mum had. For now though, I just want to stop going over her last few days in my head, wondering if I could have done anything different - nothing would have changed the fact that my Mum is gone and I have to accept that. Rest In Party Mother, I know you’re having a blast.

First Blog in YEARS.

Soooooo...I haven't blogged since the turn of the decade...yeah. First thing you'll notice is the change of the name of my blog. That's right, it turns out I'm not a woman. I am in fact a genderless void of awesomeness. Gender dysphoria probably accounts for a good 30% of my previous depression, and finally being (mostly) free of it has been SO liberating.

Secondly, I am now very happily married! We got married Halloween 2021, a wonderful day. My husband is my rock, and doubles as my carer. Life is so much easier with someone to help me look after myself and help me emotionally regulate. 

Thirdly...well, I am now motherless. The Great Cunt cancer robbed us of my mother at the tender age of 59. I'll go into my relationship with my mother in later blogs, but let's just say her passing has brought a lot of feelings up. 

Why am I returning to blogging again? For funsies mostly. Funsies and just being here in case someone needs a normal, Autistic enby to relate to. Plus it beats watching the Brisbane Heat lose to the Melbourne Stars in the Big Bash League. Yuck.