Accept it and Move On

I hear the phrase "Accept it and move on" uttered quite a lot, especially as a trans non-binary person. Of course, usually the person saying it means "Accept it and don't try to change yourself" which I think is a pretty poor interpretation of the saying.

I was thinking about this when I think about the things I have to accept. I am my mothers child, and my grandmothers grandchild. Two people who I feel could have lived so much better than what they did. My grandmother chained to her bitterness and spite, my mother chained to my grandmother and her duty. I have to accept that I have my grandmothers inclination towards spite and bitterness, and that I have my mothers inclination towards craving approval and acceptance from places that will never give it. Accepting these facts though doesn't mean I have to live like them. I can accept that yes, I can be extremely bitter and spiteful, and that I crave approval from people who will never approve of me, but to me the"moving on" part means I can make the choice to change. I can make the choice to seek help and learn to be different. I can accept that I look exactly like both these women, I can move on by shaving and dying my hair colours both of them would never go near (not that they didn't want to mind) and getting piercings in my face. I can go to a psychologist and talk about my inclinations towards traits I don't like that I've inherited, and learn strategies to avoid being like that.

Acceptance isn't always easy. It's taken me a long time to accept these things, to look at myself in the mirror long enough to acknowledge the facts. Doing so however has allowed me to move on. I can be me. I can look like me. I can accept that I am a lot like them, and I can use that to make sure that I am not them, that I am ME.

So next time someone tells you to "Accept it and move on" they might just have a point - not that they were intending to make it ha ha!

Voluntary Assisted Dying and why I hate Silent Hill 2

So a few days ago one of my favourite Twitch streamers was streaming the original Silent Hill 2. I didn't think too much of it until it got up to the scene where James watches the video. Spoiler alert: James murdered his terminally ill wife. I knew about this twist, but I hadn't been worried about it for years. Now the scene was super-triggering and I left the stream. I spent the rest of the day hurt and angry. Please note that I hold no blame towards the streamer for what happened, this was completely on  me for not being careful.

Why was I so upset? My mother, who once blogged under the name GourmetGoose, died August 16, 2020 after over a year of fighting bowel cancer. It wasn't a pretty death. My Dad, my siblings and I had to make the decision to turn off her life support after she fell into a coma that she would never wake from. We knew there was no hope of her recovering, so chose not to prolong her suffering. Watching how the game handled this awful, awful decision made me feel sick, angry and guilty. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, because Mum was gone anyway, but I still spent the rest of the day ruminating on it. No one should ever have to make the decision that we had to that day. No one should be left in that position, having to decide whether or not it's in someone's best interests to terminate their life.

This is why I was so happy to see Voluntary Assisted Dying, or VAD, be made legal in Queensland. I think how we die should be up to us wherever possible, and if it can be done in a way that minimises suffering and trauma for those left behind then even better. Imagine if instead of slowly wasting away unconscious for three days, my Mum could have picked her date of death before it got to that stage. She could have had her final day be the best day of her life. We could have had a huge send-off for her (Mumsie did love to party). I wish Mum could have had that choice, and that we hadn't had to make that choice for her.

This is why legal wills are so important too. Making sure that it's recorded somewhere what your wishes are for your death and afterwards is so vitally important (especially for LGBTQIA+ people whose wishes could easily be disregarded by unapproving family if legal safeguards aren't in place). It's not something that anyone wants to talk about, but it's such an important conversation to have. What happens if you can't make that decision for yourself? What happens to your body? What kind of funeral would you like to have? I myself am going to be an organ donor. I've already made it extremely clear to my husband and family that this is what I want. I've also had to think about what happens to my dear little Cheynee if anything happens to me - I don't want her left scared and alone at a shelter. 

One day I'll write about the amazing life my Mum had. For now though, I just want to stop going over her last few days in my head, wondering if I could have done anything different - nothing would have changed the fact that my Mum is gone and I have to accept that. Rest In Party Mother, I know you’re having a blast.

First Blog in YEARS.

Soooooo...I haven't blogged since the turn of the decade...yeah. First thing you'll notice is the change of the name of my blog. That's right, it turns out I'm not a woman. I am in fact a genderless void of awesomeness. Gender dysphoria probably accounts for a good 30% of my previous depression, and finally being (mostly) free of it has been SO liberating.

Secondly, I am now very happily married! We got married Halloween 2021, a wonderful day. My husband is my rock, and doubles as my carer. Life is so much easier with someone to help me look after myself and help me emotionally regulate. 

Thirdly...well, I am now motherless. The Great Cunt cancer robbed us of my mother at the tender age of 59. I'll go into my relationship with my mother in later blogs, but let's just say her passing has brought a lot of feelings up. 

Why am I returning to blogging again? For funsies mostly. Funsies and just being here in case someone needs a normal, Autistic enby to relate to. Plus it beats watching the Brisbane Heat lose to the Melbourne Stars in the Big Bash League. Yuck.

The Ben Cousins Interview.

This is going to be quite emotional. No apologies.

I've just watched the Ben Cousins interview on Channel 7 (more like an interrogation). Hearing all of those questions being asked of someone who is still sick in the accusatory tone that they were just got my back up something fierce. 

Now, before I say anything further, I know full well that the only one responsible for Ben Cousins is Ben Cousins. He is the only one who can decide he's ready to take the steps to getting better. Unfortunately I don't think interviews like this help one bit.

Back at the end of 2014 I had a total mental breakdown and became depressed. I watched, wracked with guilt and self-loathing as my house turned into a total dump and my job slipped away from me. I hated myself every minute of it, and I wanted to fix it so badly. The problem was, I could barely move out of bed. Every day that my boss let me have sick leave was a relief. I'm still ashamed to this day of the mess I made of everything, even though I'm years removed from it. It took me a long time to get help and turn my life around - and I've never been addicted to anything apart from nicotine (275 days ciggie-free!). 

Every time someone saw the mess I was in. Every time my bosses dragged me in to rip into me for taking so much time off. That guilt piled on top of me, like it was trying to push me back under the water. I feel like this interview, and some of the questions and the way they were asked, would do the same for Ben. He should never have agreed to it. Channel 7 should have known better than to offer it. This was just a bad, bad, BAD idea all around. Hope Channel 7 enjoy all that $$$.

If you're suffering drug addiction, depression, anxiety - it's hard. You want to fix things but you're stuck. The biggest thing you can do is reach out for professional help. Feel free to shop around to find the mental health professional that suits you. You might need medication, you might not. The most important thing though is to forgive yourself. You're sick. Your actions might have contributed to your illness, but no one is perfect. You have your entire future to do better and be better, you just have to give yourself the chance. Be kind to yourself.

Do you want a membership to a sports club?

So footy season (of various codes) is upon the Great Southern Land again. Many of us sports fans have already invested in our favourite team, but for those that haven't, a few considerations:

1. Money.

This is a hard one, but thankfully if you want to show your support to your team then most clubs offer packages at various levels for various prices. How many games can you attend? How many people are you paying for? Do you have pets you want to join up?

2. Travel.

Not only does travel cost $$$ but it takes time and can make a night out a very, VERY long night (try driving 2 hours after a night game and getting home around midnight). If you can utilize public transport then definitely look into it. Also, if you're driving, make sure you check on parking as many stadiums have parking exclusion zones around them that can hurt your hip pocket.

3. Loyalty.

This one is simple: Are you going to stick around even if the team starts losing everything including the kitchen sink? Are you going to try your best to make it to all the games you can? Are you going to defend your club to the death, while also acknowledging there are just some things you have to shake your head at?

If you answered yes, then welcome to the club. Welcome to sitting in the same seat all year and making great friends around you. Welcome to family, togetherness and identity.

If you answered no and are going to turn in your membership as soon as the losses pile up: Kindly fuck off and return to cheating on your spouse. In fact, if you're someone who was formerly a member and is now returning to a winning team, I hope you get what you deserve. You filthy bandwagoners are making it that much less enjoyable for the REAL fans who know what loyalty looks like. You come in, force us out of finals tickets, get into fights, bag out the team when they do the slightest thing wrong, you leave when there is even a chance we can lose, you eat all the food and you make getting in and out of the game harder than it needs to be, you selfish mongrel.

This is from someone who has only missed 2 Brisbane Lions home games since 2006. From someone who went to every single Brisbane Lions game in 2013. From someone who loves their club and what it has given them. Being a club member isn't a social status, it's a commitment and if you're not ready for that, then get back into GA or watch from home.

Little Women: My Take on Amy March

I'm definitely on my own here, but I've always loved Amy March, just as much as I love her sisters. Sure she starts out spoiled, but she becomes a level-headed, generous woman and honestly, it pisses me off no end that they never show her complete ownage of the Chester Fair. When Mrs. Chester boots her off the stall that she put so much time in effort into, she could have hit the roof, stormed off and not taken part. Instead, after a brief sulk, she put her best effort in and rose above, impressing everyone.

The big thing people bring up though is when she burnt Jos stories. Dear god, if I had a dollar for every time I've lost a story to my own stupidity, corrupted hard drives, or just plain misplacing handwritten notes I'd never have to work again. The thing is, every time it's happened I've either re-evaluated and realized it was no great loss, or gone back and written something even better. It's a hard, hard blow, but not one that you can't come back from.

However, losing one's sister on the other hand is something you can NEVER fix. I love my sisters more than I can say, and while I'd quite happily throttle them sometimes, if anything ever happened to them I could never recover. They are both extremely talented young ladies and both of them are good-hearted, hard working sorts. Losing them would be a million, billion, bajillon times worse than losing some story.

And I bet if you asked Jo March she'd tell you the exact same things about Amy. I've seen blogs recently where people have suggested Jo should have left Amy to drown! First off, who the hell puts a story above a human life, and secondly, who puts a story above their OWN SISTER?! Disclaimer, I know there are some family members you are definitely better without, but even then I don't recommend killing them (unless in self-defence). Can we please be reasonable about this?

Dislike Amy if you must, but don't expect her sister to see it the same way. Because like Jo, I'm a big sister and as a big sister I can tell you this right now: You even THINK of hurting my sisters and I will hunt you down and make your life miserable.

Mental health and your workplace

Since starting my new job (looooooooooooong story about being fired in August last year and spending three months unemployed) I've had the opportunity to really push the mental health bandwagon and talk to people about talking seriously about mental health.

Talking about mental health is hard. I think there's a couple of reasons for this:

-Fear of judgement/punishment - I think this speaks for itself. We're scared of people punishing us for our issues, whether it's being fired for taking time off to cope or people thinking we're not capable of doing our jobs etc.

-Pride - We don't want to be seen as weak. We don't want to burden others with our problems. We want to be able to fight it ourselves, to prove how strong we are.

-Don't know how - A lot of people don't know how to talk about their emotions or their mental health. How do you even start the conversation? What are the words for the things we're feeling? Who do I go to for help?

So, in order to help people talk about these things, I've started doing monthly "Mental Health" sessions at our weekly meeting. You would be surprised how many people open up when they know they're in a safe place and they learn how to talk about these things. Some of the activities I've come up with so far are:

- Anonymous positive messages. Passing around a hat with names, and you have to write an anonymous positive message to the person whose name you got

- Word Association. Everyone has 30 seconds to write down as many words that they associate with a particular word. Great for showing how differently people use language and how the same word might have a different meaning to different people.

- Death by PowerPoint. Trust me, PowerPoint presentations don't have to be boring. If you use them as a way to generate discussion instead of talking at people, you can really bring people out of their shells.

Regular talks about mental health not only encourages people to speak up, it increases morale and brings the team closer together. Instead of just relying on things like "R U Okay Day" and brushing it under the carpet the rest of the year, make the effort to keep the conversation going all year.