Anxiety

"What have you got to be anxious about?"
"Look at everything you have going for you!"
"Get over it!"

Anxiety can be a good thing in small doses.  That gut feeling you get when something isn't quite right, worrying about an exam, angsting over a problem - these will make you anxious, but the important thing is that anxiety should go away after the problem is resolved.

For some of us, it never goes away.

What are we anxious about?  Things that everyone else takes for granted - going to the shop, going to work, ringing someone on the phone, opening the door when someone knocks on it.

If you don't suffer from anxiety, you're probably wondering WTF? But if you can tell me how I can stop my heart rate from doubling every time I have to go to the shop, if you can stop my brain from releasing the chemicals that gives me the feeling of dread every time the boss calls me into his office (I can't even remember the last time I got in trouble) then please, tell me so these horrible feelings can stop.

No one has full control over their mind.  Everyone has a sub-conscious that seems to have a will of its own. And for some of us that means everlasting anxiety, depression and for some a complete lack of control of their own bodies. 

You can learn to manage it.  You can learn to breathe deeply and calmly to control your bodies reactions.  You can avoid situations that you know will make the situation worse.  You can learn to avoid substances like alcohol or caffiene which have a negative effect on your health.

But it's always there.  And it builds.  And builds.  At least a few times a week I overload.  It's nothing drastic, and I usually calm myself.  Sometimes overloads can even be enjoyable, like at the footy where I'm allowed to be fully Autistic and scream and cheer and jump and clap to my hearts content.  Everyone once in a while I'll have a panic attack, usually resulting in a day off work and me being rather upset. 

And then, maybe once or twice a year, I'll have a full-blown Autistic meltdown.  It happens when I'm at panic attack stage, and something minute that I've built up in my head goes wrong and suddenly I'm in trouble.

It hurts.  It feels like an andrenaline rush right under your skin, so painful that any contact will burn.  Touch me when I'm in this state and you WILL get bitten (and I have fangs, so watch out!).  It gets into your chest.  You can't breathe.  It's in your MIND.  You have to get it out.  You smash yourself against anything, you try and crack your own head open to try and relieve the pressure.  You're confused, scared and hurting.  And then after a minute or two of thrashing, smacking yourself, attacking anyone who comes near, you're out of energy.  And you can barely move.  This is the worst part as you can still feel the pressure, but now you don't have the energy to try and get some relief.  You're scared.  Eventually, it all wears off, you pick yourself up and you move on.

This isn't all in my head.  This is a very real physical problem I have.  That many people have.  It's not rational.  We feel these emotions whether they're warranted or not.  We can't change it anymore than we can change our DNA.  Please, I know a lot of people are well-intentioned, but as irrational as it is our anxiety is real.  Please don't invalidate it because the situation doesn't call for it.  Be there, hug us, talk to us, be calm for us. 

To everyone out there like me who suffers from Aspergers and anxiety (and even depression), this is for you.  It's hard, but we can all get through it.

Kind of explains why I love Sonic the Hedgehog so much really...

"If you have time to worry, then run!"

When your brain won't listen

You might notice the time I've posted this (then again, I don't really pay attention to how Google timestamps these things) is 4.30ish in the morning.  "WTF are you doing up blogging that early?" you might ask.

Because I have just spent the last half an hour in terror.  In that horrible little zone between sleep and being awake, when my sub-conscious is still active and boy is my sub-conscious freaky.  I suppose it's my own fault, yesterday I watched a creepypasta vid (seriously, who the fuck thinks these things up? You should be ashamed of yourself!), plus was showed a "Every death from Game of Thrones in 10 minutes" video (and I never watch GoT for a very good reason) and my brain is probably still digesting it, but when you want to think of pleasant things but your mind can only churn up freaky red eyes and sharp teeth it's scary.  I was too terrified to close my eyes, even though I'm exhausted and can barely keep them open now.

There are people in this world who just can't do scary stuff, and I'm one of them.  Unfortunately there are people who see this as cowardice and who will probably have a good laugh at my expense - I hope they NEVER have to spend the half an hour I just did, trapped in my own mind which had turned against me.  Which is why when I was able I turned on my lamp and have spent a good 15 minutes watching footy videos.  I'm SO going to be a zombie at work today.

Sonic's really the only creepypasta I can handle, mainly due to the fact that

he's my hero and my brain simply cannot compute that he could be scary...

unless you steal his chilli dogs.

Fears

Anyone who knows me (i.e. all of you) will know I love a good conspiracy - and I love coming up with them.

So, let me unfurl my latest beauty involving Carlton, Collingwood, Mick Malthouse, Eddie McGuire and a 100-year grudge.

You see, Carlton were going places under Brett Ratten, and Collingwood only had a limited premiership window (as do most teams, unless you're Geelong).  Naturally, Eddie couldn't stomach the thought of Carlton getting ahead of the Pies, so he set in motion a plan.  He created the plan where Miserable Mick would leave Collingwood, looking like a very attractive coaching option for Carlton, who would NEVER pass up the chance to get one on Collingwood.  So, now Carlton have gotten rid of a favourite son (I wondered where the Lions got the idea from) for a coach who probably won't do much for them, and Collingwood now have the chance to one-up them.  And he would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for that silly Nathan Buckley being a spud.  Actually...yeah, you're right, no Collingwood supporter is THAT smart.

Anyway.  Today I had to deal with one of my worst fears - stairs.  I hate stairs, I always feel like I'm going to fall, and it's 10x worse in bad weather like the constant rain we're having at the moment.  Anyway, I tripped up on some stairs and completely freaked out.  I'm not sure how other people on the Autistic Spectrum deal when they freak out, but I feel it with my whole body, sometimes for up to an hour afterwards, every nerve on edge and stinging, my heart hurting (I'm talking a dull chest ache) and breathing difficult.  It makes it hard to think, which means my well-practised social skills go haywire.  I used to call it the adrenaline ache, as it felt like an adrenaline hit in my knuckles.  Most times I can recover in an hour or so, but there are times when it compounds and turns into a dreaded panic attack or meltdown, which I really DON'T feel like describing right now.  Still, I very, VERY rarely have them nowadays, which I am exceedingly thankful for :3.

The only real cure for these attacks seems to be the most ridiculous thing in the world, but funnily enough it works - footy.  A good game of Aussie Rules Football, especially if my Lions are involved, is a great way to unwind and calm down.  Speaking of which, this Richmond/Carlton game is getting rather spiteful.  Never been a fan of spiteful games, with stupid frees and reports being handed out like lollies.  Give me a real tussle any day of the week where both opponents just want to win.