When did I become sane?!

No, seriously, when the hell did I stop doing crazy shit like jumping out of a train 4 stations early just to get a photo?

Although to be fair, it IS a nice photo.

I used to do things like that a LOT.  I used to walk 14-15kms every Sunday because it suited me.  I used to add 30 minutes to my walk home every day because I wanted to walk through South Bank and walk past the Gabba.  My Twitter feed was full of random thoughts and lyrics to songs I was listening to, and people liked it.  Facebook was just as full of randomness.

I loved living in Kangaroo Point.  Because it didn't matter that I wore dorky bright blue board shorts or ratty old Lions polos walking home.  It didn't matter that in the middle of the pouring rain I'd rush out to get a photo of the Brisbane River.

But it got taken away when I got stuck in poopy old New Farm.  Where people DON'T wear daggy polos and rush out in the rain to take photos.  I started to stack on a bit of weight, but nothing too serious.  I still had my Twitter feed, which was growing a bit more angsty seeing as I wasn't getting the exercise I was used to and was slightly embittered by my exile from Paradise.

Then there was an incident (which I won't go into to protect innocent parties) which seriously hurt me, and had me completely disappear from social media for a month.  Things were resolved, and I tentatively made my way back onto social media, but I was definitely too scared to ever use Twitter again except to advertise my blog and Instagram (plus it tends to crash my browser) and I've locked up Facebook a bit too.

It didn't do my anxiety any good, plus my physical health has deteriorated too.  I've become lethargic and miserable, and almost tempted to get back into my shell and stay there.  Until a couple of nights ago as, like I said, I decided to get out of my train at Newmarket to take some happy snaps and wait 15 minutes for the next train.  This evening, instead of going to Central and grabbing the bus home or walking along the Riverwalk, I got off at South Bank station and walked my old path again, including past the ruin that was my old home.

Sad face.

I even took my old mate Rog the Camera (yes, I named my camera) and took a photo or two from my old vantange point.

Paint Shopped for ease of viewing

And then had a stop by the Story Bridge too.

Also Shopped for your viewing pleasure.

When you're diagnosed, whether it be Aspergers, Anxiety, Depression or any other mental illness or personality disorder, you're whacked with a very uncomfortable truth - you are so different from the rest of the world that they see you as having something wrong with you, and while you can learn to cope with your condition, there's really nothing you can do to fix it.  It comes with a harsh choice - you can go on the way you have, you can try to assimilate, and then there are those of us who try to do both.  Doing both isn't really working out for me at all, and assimilation would involve the use of drugs that wipe out my entire personality, so it looks like I'm going back to being a looney.

Which you all love me for anyway.

 

Anxiety

"What have you got to be anxious about?"
"Look at everything you have going for you!"
"Get over it!"

Anxiety can be a good thing in small doses.  That gut feeling you get when something isn't quite right, worrying about an exam, angsting over a problem - these will make you anxious, but the important thing is that anxiety should go away after the problem is resolved.

For some of us, it never goes away.

What are we anxious about?  Things that everyone else takes for granted - going to the shop, going to work, ringing someone on the phone, opening the door when someone knocks on it.

If you don't suffer from anxiety, you're probably wondering WTF? But if you can tell me how I can stop my heart rate from doubling every time I have to go to the shop, if you can stop my brain from releasing the chemicals that gives me the feeling of dread every time the boss calls me into his office (I can't even remember the last time I got in trouble) then please, tell me so these horrible feelings can stop.

No one has full control over their mind.  Everyone has a sub-conscious that seems to have a will of its own. And for some of us that means everlasting anxiety, depression and for some a complete lack of control of their own bodies. 

You can learn to manage it.  You can learn to breathe deeply and calmly to control your bodies reactions.  You can avoid situations that you know will make the situation worse.  You can learn to avoid substances like alcohol or caffiene which have a negative effect on your health.

But it's always there.  And it builds.  And builds.  At least a few times a week I overload.  It's nothing drastic, and I usually calm myself.  Sometimes overloads can even be enjoyable, like at the footy where I'm allowed to be fully Autistic and scream and cheer and jump and clap to my hearts content.  Everyone once in a while I'll have a panic attack, usually resulting in a day off work and me being rather upset. 

And then, maybe once or twice a year, I'll have a full-blown Autistic meltdown.  It happens when I'm at panic attack stage, and something minute that I've built up in my head goes wrong and suddenly I'm in trouble.

It hurts.  It feels like an andrenaline rush right under your skin, so painful that any contact will burn.  Touch me when I'm in this state and you WILL get bitten (and I have fangs, so watch out!).  It gets into your chest.  You can't breathe.  It's in your MIND.  You have to get it out.  You smash yourself against anything, you try and crack your own head open to try and relieve the pressure.  You're confused, scared and hurting.  And then after a minute or two of thrashing, smacking yourself, attacking anyone who comes near, you're out of energy.  And you can barely move.  This is the worst part as you can still feel the pressure, but now you don't have the energy to try and get some relief.  You're scared.  Eventually, it all wears off, you pick yourself up and you move on.

This isn't all in my head.  This is a very real physical problem I have.  That many people have.  It's not rational.  We feel these emotions whether they're warranted or not.  We can't change it anymore than we can change our DNA.  Please, I know a lot of people are well-intentioned, but as irrational as it is our anxiety is real.  Please don't invalidate it because the situation doesn't call for it.  Be there, hug us, talk to us, be calm for us. 

To everyone out there like me who suffers from Aspergers and anxiety (and even depression), this is for you.  It's hard, but we can all get through it.

Kind of explains why I love Sonic the Hedgehog so much really...

"If you have time to worry, then run!"

Being ill sucks.

My head feels like it weighs a tonne, my sinuses ache and I generally feel like poo.  Worst of all is that I can't get to work, and I feel like I'm letting my co-workers down, even though I'm probably doing them a huge favour by staying home and not infecting them.  My fever seems to have cooled off for now thankfully, and hopefully with a bit of luck I'll be able to get to work tomorrow.

I really wish though that more people would stay at home if they're ill - but with the way the world is, can they really afford to?  With jobs at a premium in this day and age, many people feel like they have to show up at work come hell or high water just to put a roof over their heads and food on the table.  While I know my manager would rather us stay at home and not put the entire team out of comission, I'm more than willing to bet there are a thousand managers out there who don't particularly care, and who put the pressure on their employees to work themselves to death.  A lot is made of work/life balance, but I think a lot of it is just talk.  Big fat-cat CEOs who only think of themselves and their paycheques are insisting that more get done with less, to hell with the price.  Hell, even in our company, we're now "resources".  NO, I am not a "resource", I am a human being with my own health, hopes, dreams, wants and needs, my co-workers are human with their own wants and needs, and it's time that people stepped back from their greed and realised that people are getting hurt.  But it won't change so long as there are a few in power who have control of the money that we mere mortals down below need to get by, because they certainly don't want to relinquish that power.

But for now, because someone felt that they had no choice but to travel while they were ill, I am now stuck in bed feeling sore and sorry for myself, and my co-workers are probably struggling to pick up the slack.  Life's not fair sometimes.