Friday, 21 August 2015

Self-esteem: I don't gots

Self-esteem. The measure of your own self-worth, your ability to love and like yourself, to believe good things about yourself.

Yeah, I don't have it. Seriously, my self-esteem is so broken I flinch when complimented, and if anyone says anything to really pump me up (like my poor unfortunate boss tries to do) I completely recoil and can't process it. It physically hurts to accept a compliment.

Of course, I mask this well by having great self-confidence, but there's a huge difference between KNOWING you can do something and BELIEVING you are good enough to do something. Unfortunately, it's a case of having to fake it 'til you make it, but as anyone with an anxiety-based disorder will tell you, the task is compounded by a constant fear and anxiety - how the hell are you supposed to believe in yourself and value yourself when you're always scared? Of course, then you get frustrated with yourself and that doesn't exactly help matters either.

One thing I always try to hold on to are my friends and family, particularly my brilliant coworkers who I know believe in me and try not to let me fall. I'm exceptionally lucky to work in a place where I can be open about my mental illness and know that I will be supported. It's a start in rebuilding my self-esteem - I'm sure I'll get there one day.

Thanks everyone. 

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Theme Songs

Heavens to Murgatroid I can not be the only one who has a theme song that they belt out daily before they get to work/school/whatevs. A theme song is a song that defines you at that point in your life, that announces to people that you're here, and this is who you are. So here's a few of my previous theme songs!

2001-2005 "Runaway" by Linkin Park

I WAS A TEENAGER! A drastically misunderstood teenager, but a teenager none-the-less. The dream of leaving Oakey for the big city in Brisbane pretty much started here, and I spent many nights dreaming of the day I would run away from that miserable place and the people in it. Trust me, I'm not the only one who wants out of there.

2005-2011 "Rollin'" by Limp Bizkit

My favourite wrestler of all time is definitely the Undertaker, and I loved his "American Badass" persona. I was coming out of my teen days and was going through a tough relationship, so I needed something that made me feel invincible.

2011-2014 "Escape From The City" by Ted Poley

This song always makes me think of the great 2012 and the even better 2013 I had. I had just left my ex and I was ready to break free and take on the city. Nothing was going to stop me. Except 2014, but that's another story.

2014-present "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)" by Nine Days

2014 SUCKED, and it ended with a mental breakdown. So now I'm the girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. Hopefully even though I look so sad in photographs someone absolutely loves me (and hopefully it's the guy who I'm currently harbouring a crush on. Nope, not naming names, and it's not Joel Patfull for once!). After all, my whole point of existing is to make people smile.