Thursday, 9 April 2015

Insane AFL Round Two Predictions 2015

Well, I think I get a big, fat ZERO for last weeks predictions.  Although I did get the Demons right, and Norf choking (although I didn't realise that they'd choke THAT badly), and I will admit that tipping against the Giants WAS purely out of spite.  That out of the way, let's get to round two!

West Coast vs Carlton, Friday 10 April 6.10pm Subiaco.

SO glad I'm not a Carlton fan right now.  No point in doing a quarter-by-quarter break-down, this is going to get NASTY.

West Coast by 50 points.

Richmond vs Footscray, Saturday 11 April 1.45pm MCG

Richmond are all arse and the Doggies are all guts so this could get interesting.

Q1: A tight contest, with Richmond pulling slightly ahead to finish the quarter 10 points ahead
Q2: The Doggies keep it tight, and manage to start pegging the Tigers back. Doggies win the quarter by 5 points
Q3: An armwrestle ensues, with the lack of polish from both clubs showing.  Quarter is drawn.
Q4: At this stage, the Tigers are just that little bit stronger, but the Dogs push them to the end.

Richmond by 10 points

Giants vs Melbourne, Saturday 11 April 2.10pm, StarTrack Oval

Both teams are coming off wins, Melbourne unexpectedly.

Q1: Another close contest, with the Giants home-ground advantage helping them out (plus the fact that they have the greatest defender in the league on their team helps - I AM NOT LETTING THAT GO, JOEL PATFULL IS GOD!) to win the quarter by 10 points
Q2: Melbourne start to get a little hot under the collar as the Giants start to gain confidence. Giants win the quarter by 20 points
Q3: Inspired, the Giants start going ape, with Melbourne completely blown out of the water.  Giants win the quarter by 15 points.
Q4: However, like last weekend, the Giants are still inexperienced and prone to burning out. Melbourne will win the quarter by 30 points, but in the end...

Giants by 15 points (PATFULLATED)

Collingwood vs Adelaide, Saturday 11 April 4.35pm Etihad

Adelaide ripped North Melbourne to shreds, while Collingwood just kept the Lions at bay.

Q1: Adelaide start the quarter off with a bang, and it looks like they're going for a repeat of last weekend only the Pies are a bit more savvy than North and peg them back.  Adelaide win the quarter by 20 points
Q2: The Pies mount a counter-attack, but it's a case of too little too late as Adelaide push forward. Quarter ends up being drawn
Q3: Another fierce struggle, with neither side wanting to give an inch.  Again, the quarter is drawn.
Q4: The Pies are left ruing the first quarter as Adelaide finally break free.

Adelaide by 30 points

Cold Toast Scums vs St. Kilda, Saturday 11 April 7.20pm Metripong

Scums are gonna win and that SUCKS.

Port vs Sydney, Saturday 11 April 7.10pm Adelaide Oval

This will be a cracker of a game, Port only just lost to Freo at home while Sydney had to fight back a win from the Dons.

Q1: Sydney won't be wanting to get off on the wrong foot again, especially not away and against a superior Port, and they'll end up winning a close quarter by 6 points.
Q2: Port won't be happy about being shown up on their home turf and will start fighting back to win the quarter by 13 points.
Q3: Home ground advantage becomes more prominent as Port begin to break away. Port win quarter by 10 points
Q4: A desperate fight back from the Swans fails as Port keep them at bay.

Port (yick) by 20 points.

Geelong vs Fremantle, Sunday 12 April, 1.10pm Kardinia Park

I got nuffin.  Seriously, WTF Geelong? Before last week I would have had this as a tight contest with Geelong just winning but now it's all completely up in the air what with Freo holding Port at bay and Geelong getting hammered by Hawthorn and it's a Geelong home game and Freo have beaten Geelong at home within the past few years and screw tipping this round!

Essendon vs Hawthorn, Sunday 12 April, 3.20pm MCG

If I hear one more Dons fan talk about "match fitness" I'm going to demand that the AFL ban the entire team for being a right royal pain in the buns!  That being said, I don't think any amount of match fitness would save any team from Hawthorn right now.

Q1: I expect Essendon to give it a good bash though, and maybe even get a bit ahead. Dons to win the quarter by 5 points.
Q2: I also expect Hawthorn to have all the answers. Hawthorn to win the quarter by 25 points.
Q3: I don't expect Essendon to give up without a fight. Still, Hawthorn win the quarter by 5 points.
Q4: Hawthorn will show their class in this quarter and completely dismantle the Dons.

Hawthorn by 40 points.

North Melbourne vs the BRISBANE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIONS, Sunday 12 April, 4.40pm, Etihad

This will be an interesting one.  Many people are going by the logic that since North lost, they're going to come good this week in their usual topsy-turvy way.  HOWEVER, their miraculous turnarounds only seem to happen after they manage to choke away their leads, NOT after complete and utter pummellings.  On the other hand, the Lions have a habit of losing badly to North at Etihad only to make it up at the Gabba later on in the year.  Flip a coin people, this one is anyones guess.

Lions by 8 points.

(This blog is intended as advice only - and if you take said advice you should seriously consider seeing a mental health professional.  Like, now.)

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Insane AFL Round One Predictions 2015

It's coming.  Everyone is excited for Round One of the AFL Premiership Season (thanks for nothing Cricket World Cup).  Predictions are flying around like seagulls, and I thought to myself that I might have a little fun with my predictions for Round One.

Carlton vs Richmond, Thursday 2 April 7.20pm MCG.

Seriously, we're doing this again?!

1st Quarter: One of the two teams (my guess is Richmond) will run roughshod over the other one. Richmond win the quarter by 20 points.
2nd Quarter: An even quarter with not much changing, except maybe Carlton coming back at the Tigers. Carlton win the quarter by a point
3rd Quarter: A bit of a dust-up in Richmonds forward half this quarter (with Jack Riewoldt being in there somewhere) with a free going Richmonds way.  This stirs Carlton up and they come back hard and ferocious.  Carlton win the quarter by 19 points, tying the scores heading into the last quarter
4th Quarter: It's on for young and old, with the teams exchanging blows until a 50-50 decision goes Richmonds way.

Final Result: Richmond by 5 points.

Melbourne vs. Cold Toast Scums, Saturday 4 April 1.40pm MCG

Ugh. Scumbags.

1st Quarter: Cold Toast get off to a good start, but the Dees peg them back. Gary Ablett has 14 touches. Scums win the quarter by 4 points.
2nd Quarter: Cold Toast just can't seem to shake the Dees, who stay within range.  Gary Ablett has 9 touches. Scums win the quarter by 3 points.
3rd Quarter: Scums start to put on the pressure, and the Demons look like they can't keep up. Gary Ablett has 17 touches. Scums win quarter by 11 points.
4th Quarter: Melbourne finally decide they want to play hardball, and scare the Scums out of the contest.  Gary Ablett to have 10 touches.

Final Result: Melbourne by 1 point.

Sydney vs Essendon, Saturday 4 April 4.35pm ANZ Stadium

The mute button will be your friend, especially if Channel Seven are broadcasting.  Tim Watson will be unbearable.

1st Quarter: Essendon will get their backsides handed to them in an almost embarrassing display of sheer domination by the Swans. Swans win the quarter by 40 points.
2nd Quarter: The Swans just keep on keeping on, while the Dons struggle to get back some credibility.  A couple of dodgy frees and Essendon win the quarter by 5 points.
3rd Quarter: Swans hit their stride and again Essendon can barely keep up.  Essendon look completely down and out.  Swans win the quarter by 3 points.
4th Quarter: But of course, we all know Essendon are the brave victims who have suffered so tragically and for so long at the hands of the evil AFL and ASADA.  Oh how courageous are those Bombers boys as they fight back and storm home for the win.

Final Result: Essendon by 3 points, and a lot of people refusing to watch AFL 360 ever again.

The Almighty BRISBANE LIONS vs Collingwood, Saturday 4 April 6.20pm Gabba

Collingwood will still be steaming that we finally got a player back from Victoria, while the Lions just like beating the snot out of Collingwood.

1st Quarter: The Beams Bros. will go mental.  Cloke will throw tanties.  Eddie will turn scarlet. Lions to win the quarter by 60.
2nd Quarter: The Pies get some dignity back (as in the scoreline doesn't get any worse for them) while the quarter finishes off with an all-in brawl because footy players have no brains and don't realise that if we wanted thugery, we would have gone to Suncorp. Quarter drawn.
3rd Quarter: The Premiership Quarter turns spiteful, with multiple reports in both camps. The faux-aggression from Collingwood does nothing to stop the rot, and the Lions carry on. Lions to win the quarter by 10 points.
4th Quarter: If Eddie was scarlet before, I really don't want to know what shade of red he is now, because the Lions will steamroll their way to victory.

Final Result: Lions by 86 points.

Western Bulldogs vs West Coast, Saturday 4 April 7.20pm Etihad Stadium

Hands up everyone who's watching this game.  Yeah, me neither.

1st Quarter: Boring sort of game with neither team scoring a goal until the last minute or so.  Eagles win the quarter by 5 points.
2nd Quarter: More boring football, with each team only managing a couple of goals apiece.  Dogs win the quarter by 5 points.
3rd Quarter: A bit of excitement as the Dogs start to break away. Dogs win the quarter by 10 points.
4th Quarter: The Eagles try, but the Dogs are too confident now.

Final Result: Dogs by 20 points.

St Kilda vs GWS, Sunday 5 April 1.10pm Etihad Stadium

One day I won't have to be a GWS fan anymore, and then I can dump as much shit on them as everyone else does.  Until then...go Giants.

1st Quarter: Scrappy affair, the Giants only being kept in the game by the fact that Joel Patfull is denying the Saints any opportunity to score.  He can't do it alone though. Saints win the quarter by 16 points
2nd Quarter: Giants remember that they're there to play footy and actually make a decent show of it. Giants win the quarter by 6 points.
3rd Quarter: Alas, it doesn't last.  The young Giants struggle, with the older players barely able to hold on.  Saints win the quarter by 20 points.
4th Quarter: Hang on, the Giants have remembered why they're here again! Too late, the Saints have already gotten away.

Final Result: Saints by 30 points.  You can always come back to the Lions Joelly.

Adelaide vs North, Sunday 5 April 2.50pm Adelaide Oval

Seriously, just watch the Saints/GWS match, the only thing to see here is Brad Scott's face.

1st Quarter; North completely dismantle Adelaide.  Fans start getting (more) feral, and it already looks like Adelaide are in for the season from hell.  North win quarter by 50 points.
2nd Quarter: Adelaide come back at North, who manage to just keep them at bay.  North win quarter by 1 point.
3rd Quarter: Brad begins to worry as Adelaide pile on a few back-to-back majors. Adelaide to win quarter by 19 points.
4th Quarter: The choke is on! Brad looks ready to rip his players to pieces with a rusty fork and no wonder! I'd be pretty cheesed off too!

Final Result: Adelaide by 12 points.

Fremantle vs Port, Sunday 5 April 4.40pm Domain Stadium

What the smeg is this "domain" bullcrap?! It's Subiaco all the way!

1st Quarter: A pretty high-intensity contest with few skill errors from either side.  Ross Lyons defensive game plan stops most scoring though. Freo win the quarter by 1 point
2nd Quarter: More of the same good-quality footy.  Port struggle with the size of Subi.  Freo win the quarter by 2 points.
3rd Quarter: Things start getting scrappy as players get tired. Drawn Quarter.
4th Quarter: Freo finally begin to break away.

Final Result: Freo by 10 points.

Hawthorn vs Geelong, Monday 6 April 3.20pm MCG

This is the big one.  In fact, I don't dare to predict what will happen, because this is the game where anything could happen.  Hawthorn are on the brink of a three-peat (but given how many teams were on the brink of a three-peat and didn't make it, I'm not too worried) and Geelong are boosted by the inclusion of Frawley and Clark (who I hope finally has his demons in hand and can go on to have a great career). It's going to be unreal.

What do you think is going to happen?  While you're thinking about it, feel free to check out Chuckles and Giggles and keep an eye out because pretty soon Experiment 24-42 will be released!

Enjoy Round One!