It's coming. Everyone is excited for Round One of the AFL Premiership Season (thanks for nothing Cricket World Cup). Predictions are flying around like seagulls, and I thought to myself that I might have a little fun with my predictions for Round One.
Carlton vs Richmond, Thursday 2 April 7.20pm MCG.
Seriously, we're doing this again?!
1st Quarter: One of the two teams (my guess is Richmond) will run roughshod over the other one. Richmond win the quarter by 20 points.
2nd Quarter: An even quarter with not much changing, except maybe Carlton coming back at the Tigers. Carlton win the quarter by a point
3rd Quarter: A bit of a dust-up in Richmonds forward half this quarter (with Jack Riewoldt being in there somewhere) with a free going Richmonds way. This stirs Carlton up and they come back hard and ferocious. Carlton win the quarter by 19 points, tying the scores heading into the last quarter
4th Quarter: It's on for young and old, with the teams exchanging blows until a 50-50 decision goes Richmonds way.
Final Result: Richmond by 5 points.
Melbourne vs. Cold Toast Scums, Saturday 4 April 1.40pm MCG
1st Quarter: Cold Toast get off to a good start, but the Dees peg them back. Gary Ablett has 14 touches. Scums win the quarter by 4 points.
2nd Quarter: Cold Toast just can't seem to shake the Dees, who stay within range. Gary Ablett has 9 touches. Scums win the quarter by 3 points.
3rd Quarter: Scums start to put on the pressure, and the Demons look like they can't keep up. Gary Ablett has 17 touches. Scums win quarter by 11 points.
4th Quarter: Melbourne finally decide they want to play hardball, and scare the Scums out of the contest. Gary Ablett to have 10 touches.
Final Result: Melbourne by 1 point.
Sydney vs Essendon, Saturday 4 April 4.35pm ANZ Stadium
The mute button will be your friend, especially if Channel Seven are broadcasting. Tim Watson will be unbearable.
1st Quarter: Essendon will get their backsides handed to them in an almost embarrassing display of sheer domination by the Swans. Swans win the quarter by 40 points.
2nd Quarter: The Swans just keep on keeping on, while the Dons struggle to get back some credibility. A couple of dodgy frees and Essendon win the quarter by 5 points.
3rd Quarter: Swans hit their stride and again Essendon can barely keep up. Essendon look completely down and out. Swans win the quarter by 3 points.
4th Quarter: But of course, we all know Essendon are the brave victims who have suffered so tragically and for so long at the hands of the evil AFL and ASADA. Oh how courageous are those Bombers boys as they fight back and storm home for the win.
Final Result: Essendon by 3 points, and a lot of people refusing to watch AFL 360 ever again.
The Almighty BRISBANE LIONS vs Collingwood, Saturday 4 April 6.20pm Gabba
Collingwood will still be steaming that we finally got a player back from Victoria, while the Lions just like beating the snot out of Collingwood.
1st Quarter: The Beams Bros. will go mental. Cloke will throw tanties. Eddie will turn scarlet. Lions to win the quarter by 60.
2nd Quarter: The Pies get some dignity back (as in the scoreline doesn't get any worse for them) while the quarter finishes off with an all-in brawl because footy players have no brains and don't realise that if we wanted thugery, we would have gone to Suncorp. Quarter drawn.
3rd Quarter: The Premiership Quarter turns spiteful, with multiple reports in both camps. The faux-aggression from Collingwood does nothing to stop the rot, and the Lions carry on. Lions to win the quarter by 10 points.
4th Quarter: If Eddie was scarlet before, I really don't want to know what shade of red he is now, because the Lions will steamroll their way to victory.
Final Result: Lions by 86 points.
Western Bulldogs vs West Coast, Saturday 4 April 7.20pm Etihad Stadium
Hands up everyone who's watching this game. Yeah, me neither.
1st Quarter: Boring sort of game with neither team scoring a goal until the last minute or so. Eagles win the quarter by 5 points.
2nd Quarter: More boring football, with each team only managing a couple of goals apiece. Dogs win the quarter by 5 points.
3rd Quarter: A bit of excitement as the Dogs start to break away. Dogs win the quarter by 10 points.
4th Quarter: The Eagles try, but the Dogs are too confident now.
Final Result: Dogs by 20 points.
St Kilda vs GWS, Sunday 5 April 1.10pm Etihad Stadium
One day I won't have to be a GWS fan anymore, and then I can dump as much shit on them as everyone else does. Until then...go Giants.
1st Quarter: Scrappy affair, the Giants only being kept in the game by the fact that Joel Patfull is denying the Saints any opportunity to score. He can't do it alone though. Saints win the quarter by 16 points
2nd Quarter: Giants remember that they're there to play footy and actually make a decent show of it. Giants win the quarter by 6 points.
3rd Quarter: Alas, it doesn't last. The young Giants struggle, with the older players barely able to hold on. Saints win the quarter by 20 points.
4th Quarter: Hang on, the Giants have remembered why they're here again! Too late, the Saints have already gotten away.
Final Result: Saints by 30 points. You can always come back to the Lions Joelly.
Adelaide vs North, Sunday 5 April 2.50pm Adelaide Oval
Seriously, just watch the Saints/GWS match, the only thing to see here is Brad Scott's face.
1st Quarter; North completely dismantle Adelaide. Fans start getting (more) feral, and it already looks like Adelaide are in for the season from hell. North win quarter by 50 points.
2nd Quarter: Adelaide come back at North, who manage to just keep them at bay. North win quarter by 1 point.
3rd Quarter: Brad begins to worry as Adelaide pile on a few back-to-back majors. Adelaide to win quarter by 19 points.
4th Quarter: The choke is on! Brad looks ready to rip his players to pieces with a rusty fork and no wonder! I'd be pretty cheesed off too!
Final Result: Adelaide by 12 points.
Fremantle vs Port, Sunday 5 April 4.40pm Domain Stadium
What the smeg is this "domain" bullcrap?! It's Subiaco all the way!
1st Quarter: A pretty high-intensity contest with few skill errors from either side. Ross Lyons defensive game plan stops most scoring though. Freo win the quarter by 1 point
2nd Quarter: More of the same good-quality footy. Port struggle with the size of Subi. Freo win the quarter by 2 points.
3rd Quarter: Things start getting scrappy as players get tired. Drawn Quarter.
4th Quarter: Freo finally begin to break away.
Final Result: Freo by 10 points.
Hawthorn vs Geelong, Monday 6 April 3.20pm MCG
This is the big one. In fact, I don't dare to predict what will happen, because this is the game where anything could happen. Hawthorn are on the brink of a three-peat (but given how many teams were on the brink of a three-peat and didn't make it, I'm not too worried) and Geelong are boosted by the inclusion of Frawley and Clark (who I hope finally has his demons in hand and can go on to have a great career). It's going to be unreal.
What do you think is going to happen? While you're thinking about it, feel free to check out Chuckles and Giggles and keep an eye out because pretty soon Experiment 24-42 will be released!
Enjoy Round One!