Sunday, 19 June 2016

Top 5 most hated characters

Like I said, although I don't watch much TV I do have my favourite characters. I also have characters who I would like to see completely wiped from this earth. What brought this on? Read on to find out.

5. Sasuke Uchiha - Naruto

This little runt pisses me off no end. Always all about revenge and being a brooding emo, he's just so one-dimensional it's not funny. Sure, Sakura isn't one of my favourite characters either, but for heavens sake she deserved better than to be lumped with this loser! He doesn't grow at ALL during the course of the story, except for the last little bit where he admits Naruto is right. And suddenly all is forgiven and happy, happy, joy, joy. UGH!

4. Bella Swan - The Twilight Saga

Do I REALLY need to go into why this chick is so annoying?! Again, so one-dimensional and she never, EVER grows up. She just stays stuck in brooding teenager mode forever. I literally threw the last book across the room I was so furious with her. GET A CLUE YOU WHINY BRAT.

3. Shou Tucker - Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

The reason I'm writing this list. I just watched episode 4 and what he utterly despicable. The first time I saw that scene I was FURIOUS. Fathers don't do that. They just DON'T.

2. Princess Bubblegum - Adventure Time

She won't fix Lemongrab. He is living a miserable, lonely, painful existence because SHE WON'T FIX HIM. This one hits so close to home for me because if someone could take my autism away and make me into a person without the poor social skills and the over sensitivity to touch and sound and they REFUSED TO...I relate so much to Lemongrab, and how he suffers because no one can understand his "Lemon Way"...oh she makes me furious! It's not just Lemongrab that pisses me off about her, it's her whole attitude and superiority complex that also ticks me off. Stupid princess.

1. Dolores Umbridge - Harry Potter Series

Just ask any Harry Potter fan, and they will tell you what an evil, nasty, horrible piece of work this bitch is. At least with the Dark Lord, you can understand how he became so hateful, and perhaps even pity him, but not this cow. She takes Bubblegums superiority to a completely new level, and abuses her powers as much as humanly possible. She gives us Slytherins a bad name, and it brings me shame to have been sorted into the same house as her!

Friday, 10 June 2016

Anxiety and Overloading

Being of the autistic and anxious nature, I tend to suffer from panic attacks. These can be categorised two ways - anxiety attacks and overloads. These commonly happen at work and at dance class, and a lot of people don't understand really WHY it happens. At dance, it's often assumed that my attacks are because I don't feel like I can keep up with the class (when I think at least 80% of the time I'm pretty good at keeping up) and I'm really not sure what the guys at work think.

Here's a quick overview of how it works:

As stated earlier, I either have an anxiety attack or I overload. This is because unfortunately I have limited energy for coping with the stresses of life that everyone else seems to take in their stride. Think of it as having two meters: my "Social Energy" meter and my "Data Usage" meter.

My "Social Energy" meter is how much energy I have left to deal with social situations before I can't hold off the anxiety any longer. Things like conversations, going out to fix customers problems, driving, dealing with my fears, talking on the phone etc deplete this meter.

My "Data Usage" meter is how much more I can process before I overload. Sound and touch contribute to depleting this meter, as does trying to learn or trying to absorb new information.

If one meter gets too low, it can start impacting on the other meter. Also, my panic scale can also affect how fast the meters go down. Being at a high level on the scale can drain my "Social Energy" meter, while making it harder for me to absorb information, which starts to drain at my "Data Usage" meter. Conversely, if I can get my panic scale low enough (to a 2.5 or below) I can actually start to recuperate any lost "energy" or "data". This is why I insist on walking at lunchtimes, because it will easily replenish my "Social Energy" meter, while listening to music and letting my brain go nuts will replenish my "Data Usage" meter.

Of course, if the meters get too low, then it becomes harder for me to get and keep to a low panic scale. Also my physical condition can affect how fast the meters go down as well. Plus, I don't always start the day with the same amount of energy as I did the day before. A couple of long or stressful days in a row can have me starting my days with next to no petrol tickets left in either tank.

So let's look at some examples. Take my first mini-attack at Swingsation on Saturday, brought on by my dread of losing my balance. This was during a workshop, which was just after another workshop, so my "Data Usage" meter was already pretty low. This was starting to drain at my "Social Energy" meter, as well, raising my panic scale to around a 5. Now, earlier, when my "Data Usage" scale was fuller, I was happily sitting at 3.5. Then, they showed us we were going to be doing a dip. Like I said at the time, it was a sudden hit of fear to the face, instantly throwing my panic scale up to a 7. Had my meter had more data available, I could have maybe gotten back down to a 3.5 and gutsed it out, but I was depleted and thus after three or four attempts at the dip I hit 8 and fled.

The major attack on the Sunday at Swingsation was similar, only this time both meters were out. Unfortunately I could only recover so much energy from Friday, which I used up on Saturday, and couldn't fully recover by Sunday. Physically too I was drained. Dancing was able to keep me down to a 3, but then I picked a fast dance with a complete and utter manic which completely wiped out my "Data Usage" meter and left my "Social Energy" precariously low. Sure enough, I hit a 9 and couldn't speak. Super-embarrassing stuff.

Just this week too I had another attack, but this time because my panic scale was otherwise low, I was able to recover the energy and data and guts it out. This one was caused by a one-footed spin which had me off-balance, which is a great way to send me to an instant 6 on the panic scale. Coupled with all the information I was getting in class depleting my "Data Usage" meter, I had an attack. However, my "Social Energy" meter was high enough that after sitting down for five minutes I could guts out the rest of the lesson, and a few dances (which mostly bring my scale down to 2) were enough to replenish my meters and I was able to enjoy the rest of the night.

It's important to be able to tell if I'm anxious or overloading - if I overload, DO NOT TOUCH ME UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES because it will HURT like anything because I simply can't take any more input. However, if it's anxiety, I need to be hugged and fretted over and protected. Of course, if both meters get completely wiped out and I hit a know what, let's not even go there, because I certainly never want to hit a 10 ever again.

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

One is Not Enough

WARNING: I'm high on Nurofen at the moment (YAY FOR DRUG SENSITIVITY) and I have a cold and I am tired and I really should be asleep but thoughts are keeping me awake. I have zero idea where I'm going with this.

I'm having a bit of a chuckle to myself at the moment, reading all about Government Elections here there and everywhere. The fact is, the way us humans govern ourselves is complete and utter horse shit. Systems seem to be designed around one central figurehead, one person, ahem, "elected" to hold the power over the populace. Am I the only one who thinks this is the STUPIDEST thing in the world?!

ONE person. ONE Prime Minister, President, Queen, King, whatever. While I understand that there are processes in place to ensure that these people don't abuse their power (for example, the Senate) these seem almost as stupid as having one central figurehead to run the joint. In Australia for example, ONE person represents 0.0000041% of the total population. The people in Parliament equals 0.00062% of the population. Am I the only person who sees how utterly ridiculous this is?

The simple fact is that there are over 24 million people in this country. Each of us has our own needs, wants, hopes, dreams. We all have our individual ideas about what is right and just. Most of us accept that sometimes our wants, hopes and dreams need to be sacrificed for the greater good. Just to make things even more fun, each and every one of us has our own ideas about what the greater good entails. We pretty much live by a majority rules mentality. To try and make things even, we divide ourselves into Electorates, a whole 150 of them. Yup. Only 150 representatives for over 24 million people. 0.00062% of the population. That means roughly one representative per 160,700 people. Those 160,700 each with their own ideas and wants and needs. Not to mention the representative themselves has their own ideas and wants and needs. In fact, the Prime Minister ALSO has their own ideas and wants and needs. 

Part of me wants to cry "Bring on our AI overlords!" Alas, the AI would have to be programmed by a human...again with their own wants, needs and ideas. What a mess.

I guess the biggest fix for our Government would be for those in power to realise that it's not just all about them. I'm not just talking about the elected government either, the Opposition also need to realise that opposition≠being dicks. If such a small section of the population is going to be in charge, they NEED to work together. I'm sick of turning on Question Time and nearly mistaking it for Degrassi High. These people need to realise that each and every one of them is such a small percentage of the population, and really if it weren't for the other 99.938% of the population putting them in power their wants, needs and ideas wouldn't count for shit. Each and every one of them is representing 160,700 different wants, needs and ideas. 

There are so many people in this world that one person just isn't enough to change the world any more. It's now got to be a team effort from all of us to advance ourselves as a species and actually govern ourselves with a bit more accuracy than what we are at the moment. Make sure you vote correctly and to the best of your ability. If you have a concern, write to your local member. 

And remember, we all have a voice. While making ours heard, let's listen to the other voices too. After all, you're only 0.0000041% of the Australian population.


I'm going to bed now.

Sunday, 5 June 2016

Top 5 Things I Like About Myself

Man, I NEVER thought I'd get to this stage. I actually LIKE me! I think I might actually be the one for me!

Don't get me wrong - it's taken a LOT of work to get to this stage, and still sometimes there's that nagging doubt in the back of my head. However, the voice is getting quieter all the time, as I find out things about myself that are pretty awesome. When you're stuck in the bowels of depression it's really hard to find anything good about yourself, so when you DO finally have that self-respect and self-love, that's when you need to start putting aside some of those good feelings for the times that you'll need them. Things like songs, videos, games, memories and even lists of good things are all the sorts of things that you'll be grateful for when that black dog comes around again. Trust me, there's always a chance that it'll come back. I already have some great memories stored away (check my blogs on Swingsation) and Spotify is a great resource for hoarding those songs that make you feel good. I also have my list of reasons I want to be alive (which has the names of all of those people precious to me) and now I'm going to internalise and find some reasons why other people would want me to be alive.

5. I'm loyal to a fault

Show me any sort of kindness and I am yours for life. I'm fiercely loyal to my friends, and I'd do just about anything for them. Hurt one of them, and I'm sure I'll find some way to make you pay. Friends become like family to me so easily, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

4. I don't give up easily

It would have been so easy to run away from Swingsation after the first panic attack. It would have been so easy to quit my job and return to Oakey after my breakdown and subsequent depression. It'd be so easy to give up West Coast Swing because it does get really hard. But I'm not going to give up, I'm never going to give up and I'm going to continue to try my best and give it my all!

3. I'm a damned good writer

And a good dancer too come to think of it. Who doesn't love creative energy? I try to use my ability as a writer to try and make the world a better place, by trying to make people believe the good in themselves and sharing my experiences to hopefully stop people from making the same mistakes I did. This blog is just one example.

2. I'm intelligent

My psych has often commented on my high intelligence. I love thinking and I love ideas and figuring things out about the world. I love learning too, although sometimes I'm a bit slower than everyone else once I have a concept I'm not letting it go!

1. I'm fucking hilarious

Well, at least I think so! There is no greater feeling in the Universe than making someone laugh, especially if they're feeling down. The sound of laughter is the most magical sound in the world, the most powerful sound in the world, and it'll be laughter that saves the world.

So now when life decides to be a bitch and try and get me down, I now have another list I can refer back to to help me get back up again. Even if you don't have a history of mental illness, it pays to have something (or lots of somethings) that remind you of the good in you, and in everyone else.

My List Of Reasons I Want To Be Alive