Wednesday, 4 May 2016

I dislike today

Today is the one-year anniversary of when my fur-son, Bastet, was killed. I came home to find his dead body in a box under the stairs. I miss him so much it hurts, but that's not the only pain that comes from his death.

You see, even though I am a fertile young lady who would LOVE to have a large brood of children, I have ultimately decided against breeding. It hurts. My craving to be a mother has always been strong, just ask my siblings how maternal I can get sometimes. Hell, you don't even have to ask my blood siblings, you can ask any of the ones I seemed to have picked up along the way. So having the life of one of my fur-children cut drastically short is devastating to me.

"But if you want to be a mother so much, why don't you?" I hear you ask. Several reasons actually.

1. My poor genetics.

I am a genetic disaster. The mental illness alone is bad enough, and there is no way I'd ever, EVER put anyone through that (especially my own children). Now add on my genetic heart problems stemming all the way back through the maternal line, the dodgy knees and the fact that I am physically weaker than most ten-year-olds and I think it's probably best my dodgy genetic material stops with me. I seem to have been born at the shallow end of the gene pool, my brother got considerably better genes that what I have (he at least has hand-eye coordination and is strong for someone his age).

2. I'd make a terrible parent.

Did I mention my mental health? I still have a lot of trouble controlling my temper, and I will lash out at what a lot of people would consider insignificant things. When I'm angry, I go right for the jugular, and I always seem to know what words will hurt the most. I also have a hard time letting things go (I still shake with fury when I think about how my parents simply let my sister save over my first Pokémon game - I now have zero record of my first Pokémon, thanks for nothing) and I don't think things like that are particularly healthy for children.

3. No one will breed with me in the first place.

Yeah, the whole thing about breeding is that you need someone of the opposite sex in order to complete the process. Yes, there is a guy I'm interested in, and yes, I'm 99% certain he's aware of the fact (If he isn't he's exceptionally thick) but there's no way I'd put him through being with me. It's not that I'm a bad person, it's simply that I'm better off by myself. Most of my time I spend alone anyway, and I enjoy my time to myself. That's not to say I don't crave affection, but if I ever want a hug, I'll just go to dance class where they hand out hugs like lollies. Besides (and we are going into wayyy too much information here) no man can ever do for me what a couple of AAA batteries can.

That all being said, at least once a day I sadly think of the life I'm not going to have. I do want someone to love and to love me, and I desperately crave my own family. The thing is, I know it'd be a bad idea, ending with someone getting hurt. I don't want to hurt people, especially not my own (non-existent) children.

So if you're hanging out with me (especially to my friends who are younger than me) and I start fussing over you, you now know why. And I'm always up for "adopting" more younger siblings so if you ever wanted a big sister, I'm more than happy to help!

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