Anyway, as many would be aware, December last year I had a complete mental breakdown that ended in depression, not helped by my anxiety and my ever-present demon Autism. Thankfully I have a brilliant boss and a great team at work around me, not to mention an awesome family and I'm on the road to recovery.
It's taken me a while though to admit that I'm getting better. Recently I've been very up and down, and I suspect my reluctance to accept myself as a functioning human being isn't helping. Every time things have started looking up recently, I haven't let myself enjoy it as much as I should be. Why? Because I'm terrified. After the train-wreck that was 2014 I've become gun-shy of admitting that I am a pretty snazzy person and that good things do happen to me, and that I deserve them. I've been angry with myself for getting depressed and being sick, not to mention I've been worried about what others think of me - I think everyone with depression and anxiety can relate to the number of times I've questioned whether or not my co-workers like and respect me.
The thing is though, by denying myself the healing I need and deserve, I'm also doing a disservice to those who have stood by me. I mean, I'm sure some of my co-workers will read the last paragraph and feel a little hurt. After all they've done for me and I think so little of them? That's what anxiety does ladies and gentlemen, it sucks.
Over the past week I've accepted that I'm not a horrible, broken human being who should be wiped off the face of the planet. I'm a pretty good person who just got lumped with some shitty programming. I deserve to heal and be happy, and to have good things happen to me.
So that's my message to those who are in the same boat as me. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to heal and most of all you deserve to love yourself.
And with that, I leave you with my new theme song:
So you're saying you have some badly seated RAM in your head? (Mother's are horrid creatures aren't they?)
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