Sunday, 18 October 2015

Age of Conspiracy! Yay!

I love a good conspiracy. I love coming up with conspiracies even more. Anything can be a conspiracy, and if you believe half of what you can come up with, you'll drive yourself batty in no time.

A good conspiracy has a good mix of the following elements: government, aliens, the end of the world, world domination, curtailing of freedoms, thought-control and/or mind reading. The one I've had for a while tries to incorporate a fair few of these elements, but trying to fit them all in is hard.

It all started when I heard people whinging about filling in government forms, the common argument being "But the government already HAS this information, I put it on other forms!" Me, being me, starting thinking - of COURSE the government has all this information, they know everything. They know where you live, who you live with, what you're eating, what you're drinking, what you're thinking. But HOW?

Then I played Metal Gear Solid and the answer came to me - NANOMACHINES (Thank you Hideo Kojima!). Then the question was, how do did the government get the nanomachines inside of us? Not vaccines, because not everyone gets them (you fucking idiots). Then a fellow co-worker described a theory he'd come across about commercial airlines spraying poisons (thanks Luke!) and then it all came together.

The theory in it's current form is this: We are all filled with nanomachines, that are passed down from our parents, thus keeping a record of our genetic history. Of course, nanomachines are fragile and can be easily damaged, lost, or passed on via childbirth. So the government regularly has aircraft flying overhead spraying out these invisible nanomachines which we then inhale, and they can download the information they require from older, surviving nanomachines. These nanomachines don't always just record data though, they are also useful for thought-control and thought-implants.

You see, I can tell right now that my readers are probably having a good chuckle to themselves thinking "Good one Kez." That's what the government wants you to think. However, it'd cost too much to constantly have nanomachines controlling our every thought, so the government had to find a way to do it sneakily. Enter the entertainment industry, more specifically, movies and books that are marketed as fiction but are actually fact. They're designed to screw with your mind - surely those things in movies CAN'T be real, right? Well, I can tell you right now, you're playing into what the government wants to you think. But how do the creators of these works of fiction know about these state secrets? The government can't risk having such public figures who are constantly out in the open knowing about these things, so they send specially-coded signals to the nanomachines, which are interpreted by the brain as "inspiration". Every once in a while you get someone like the great Gene Roddenberry who comes up with stuff on his own, which the government then allows the public to use, just to screw with us further.

Insert some story about getting the technology from aliens and I've almost covered everything (still can't find a way to shoe-horn the end of the world in there but give me some time!).

And now I'm scared, I'm sitting at the laundromat and outside the window is an ibis that keeps staring at me. It hasn't moved since I started writing this blog. If I go missing, I think we'll all know what happened.

Anyway, coming up with conspiracy theories is fun. It's creative, it scares the shit out of people (whether it's because they believe you or because they think you're a total fruitloop) and it passes the time.

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