Triggers and Panic Attacks

Yes, I know it's Friday, and yes, I know you're all expecting some "Chuckles and Giggles". You'll get it this evening. Right now I'm operating on 6.5 out of 10 on the anxiety scale after a psych appointment and I'm going to type it out. Hopefully this blog provides anyone else going through high anxiety and panic attacks with a bit of a framework that they can use to formulate a plan for themselves.

For me, the pattern seems to be:

1. Get to a high stress/high anxiety state
2. Get triggered by something seemingly small and insignificant
3. Panic attack

One would think after the past few weeks I'd be used to operating on high anxiety, but it doesn't work like that. I rate anxiety using a 1-10 "Panic scale":

1 - Me so chillllllllllll. I'm so chill I'm either writing or asleep.

2 - Walking. Off in my own little world and pretty much content. Also dancing. Of course, I can shoot from a 7 to a 2 and back again pretty fast.

3-4 - Where I usually sit on a good day. I'm alert, but I'm not going to have a panic attack any time soon.

5 - Mildly irritated/grumpy.

6 - Bad days. I can usually cope if triggered, but I will probably need to have a long rest soon.

7 - Will have attack if triggered

8 - Panic/Anxiety attack.

9 - Usually where mutism will kick in.

10 - Autistic Meltdown. I haven't had one of these for years and I hope I never do again.

Unfortunately if I'm high on anxiety I'm more susceptable to my triggers, which are:

-Sensory Overload - touch and sound are my weaknesses, anyone who knows me knows that I'm highly affectionate and crave hugs and closeness - from people I'm close to. Unfortunately anyone else will make me slightly uncomfortable, which I can deal with in small doses provided I'm not already high on anxiety. Sound on the other hand is a bit more clear-cut: if it's very high-pitched (especially a sustained high-pitched noise without a bassline to counter it) then I'm not going to have a good time. Give me deep bass-lines which I can feel in my chest and I'm happy.

-Fear - Stairs, lifts, driving, people looking at me, unfamiliar social situations, heights...again, if I'm not high on anxiety then I can deal with these problems with only a hint of annoyance (except for lifts, I think each of my coworkers has seen me completely freeze up each time I need to go in one of these things). If I'm already in a bad way however, these things will result in a panic attack. Best of all, these things can put me in a high-anxiety situation if either combined or through long enough exposure.

The biggest symptoms of an impending panic attack (that I've noticed anyway) are my breathing getting out of whack (precursor to hyperventalating), shaking and aching limbs. Unfortunately that's all I can think of, usually when I'm already at a high anxiety state I'm not really paying attention to my symptoms, I'm too busy worrying.

The best way I know to prevent this is walking. Also, writing and dancing have been known to bring me down from an anxiety high, alas if my stress levels get too high I either get writers block (GAH!!!) or I become very adverse to being touched/my limbs feel like lead (which rules out dancing).

So far, it seems the best plan is to NOT get into a high stress state in the first place, however given how prone I am to stress this is also the most difficult.

When I have a panic attack, the major thing is that I can't be touched, especially skin-on-skin contact - IT HURTS. Also, talking is good. Even if I can't be touched, I hate being alone when I'm having an attack, and having someone close by is comforting.

Everyone will have their own "panic scale" and triggers. Everyone will also have their own ways of coping and how others can help. The important thing is figuring out your triggers and at what stage you can handle things - as always, I really encourage people who are having problems to seek professional help. It makes figuring out this stuff so much easier.

Creative Responsibility

I'm sure I've mentioned this previously, but Alan Alda is my hero. His character, the great Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce was my introduction into complex characters and storylines, changing my path as a storyteller forever. This was solidified when I read "Little Women" by Lousia May Alcott, especially the chapter where Jo goes off to New York and nearly makes a disgrace of herself.

Yesterday, Mr. Alda made an appearance on the ABC's National Press Club of Australia. He spoke about how "Science Belongs to All of Us", and the speech he made touched me deeply. He's also going to be at QPAC tonight and tomorrow with his play "Dear Albert", based on the letters written by Albert Einstein, humanising this intellectual great of our history. I never thought I'd ever get the chance to even be in the same room as Alan Alda, so as you can imagine I'm very excited. However, meeting my hero isn't the only reason I'm excited.

Mr. Alda described Science and Art as "two long-lost lovers" who have drifted apart, and lamented on how Science has become almost completely inaccessable to the average person. He spoke about how scientists have to learn how to present their ideas and research in such a way as while not dumbing them down, they're more appetizing to the general public.  He also spoke of the medias responsibility to "open the door" to these ideas and concepts. This got me thinking, back to my blog on not writing trash and how Mr. Alda has inspired me to think big.

I loved the Deadpool movie. It was very funny and entertaining. Alas, there wasn't much depth to it, which is something I'm noticing is becoming more and more prevailent in storytelling nowadays. Storytelling, in fact, any sort of art, isn't just an expression of emotion or entertainment. It's also meant to be a way to convey ideas and open minds to new ways of thinking, spawning even more new ideas and ways of thinking. I again fall back on the example of "Harry Potter", where J. K. Rowling has created a world so big, so splendid, that your mind can't resist opening up and being open to so many possibilities. A lot of Japanese anime does this well too, like "Psycho Pass" (a chill just went down my spine), "Naruto" and even, funnily enough, "Ouran High School Host Club". I know a lot of jaws just dropped when I mentioned OHSHC but think about it - it really does make you think about the space between the wealthy and the poorer classes.

I think, as artists, we have a responsibility not just to entertain, but to be the ones to help open the door to different ways of thinking, to opening up minds to not only accept different ideas, but to create them as well. When minds are already open and creating, it's much easier to direct those minds towards things like Science, where open minds and different ways of thinking are not only welcomed, but critical to the continued improvement and learning of our species.

Six of one, half-dozen of the other

I like to think of myself as a patriotic Australian who'd do anything for her country - yes, including voting. UGH, I hate voting! I feel like no matter which side I pick, I've picked the wrong one (except that time I voted for the Pirate Party. Good times). And, as luck would have it, in 12 days Brisbane goes to the polls for a new Mayor, as the Labor propaganda I just found in my letterbox reminded me. So, as a patriotic Australian who wants the very best for her country and her favourite city, it's time to do some research into who will be the best person to lead this great city into 2016 and beyond.

DISCLAIMER: This is my opinion only, for the love of all that is good and pure in this world do NOT take my advice!!!!!!!

Jeffery Hodges - The Consumer Rights and No Tolls Party

I do like the name of his party - and I love the idea of ending privatisation of public assets (seriously, I'd love to smack the idiot who came up with the idea in the first place). I love how they have plans to deal with animal cruelty and their aims towards increasing recycling. What counts against him for me though is his lack of political expertise. That and the whole fact that he once worked for Toowoomba Grammar School. Ewness.

Jarrod Wirth - Independant

Well, the bare-bones lacklustre website is off-putting, but I'll try not to judge a book by its cover. I like that he's had experience in the public health sector, and seen first-hand what goes on. Reading on and I noticed that even he is sick of getting propaganda in his letterbox that's all about slandering the opposition (I had a rant about this last time I had to vote if I recall!), so it'd be good to see if he'll do something about this if he gets voted in. I don't know though, something just seems too "small time" for me to feel confident in voting for him - if I were voting in say, the old Jondaryan Shire Council elections and I saw him, he'd probably have my vote in a heartbeat. Nothing about traffic congestion though...

Graham Quirk - LNP and Incumbent Mayor

Seeing as this election seems to be all about the traffic congestion, what the hell has Graham Quirk actually done to fix the problem? From my experience public transport fares have gone up (and everyone knows how much I love public transport after being deprived of it for so long) and traffic congestion is still a major problem - just check out Waterworks Rd every morning if you don't believe me. I think there might be a reason I've never voted Liberal, and no, it's not just about pissing my Dad off (although that does factor into it - love you Daddy!).

Jim Eldridge - Independant

HE WANTS TO BAN ALCOHOL ADVERTISING ON BUSES!!!!! OMG! I can TOTALLY get behind that! Alcohol is one of the most vile, putrid, revolting substances on this planet, capable of turning decent human beings into violent, disgusting pigs and anyone who fights this disgrace gets a tick in my book. From the look of his website, Mr. Jeffery Hodges also supports this ban, so put another tick next to him. Let's see, equity and diversity (tick), picture book packs for newborns...um, okay, while I support any measure to get people reading (I am a storyteller after all), wouldn't the money be better spent upgrading our libraries and making access to them easier? Ehhhh.......

Ben Pennings - Greens

I LOVE the idea of solar-powered buses. Plus he's also echoing the sentiment of lowering public transport prices to help ease traffic congestion. Cheaper power is always a good thing (I am NOT looking forward to my next power bill) and the thought of having CityCycle fixed is a pleasing one. Wait, they want to seperate the Cultural Centre bus station so if I want to travel from New Farm to Greenslopes (or pretty soon, Mt. Gravatt) I have to do the dash to make it to the platform on time? PASS.

Karel Boele - People Decide

No proper website, instead a Facebook page? Uh, okay then. Oooh, this "People Decide" thing looks interesting. Of course, it means he has no policies or anything for me to judge him and his party by. Sounds a bit too wishy-washy for me.

Rod Harding - Labor

Oh don't I have a love/hate relationship with this party! YOU BETRAYED ME YOU - ahem, that's Federal Government, we're looking at Local Council (broke my wittle heart and everything...). I love the idea of Fare Free Fridays and a Light Rail, a bit iffy on the whole Kangaroo Point Bridge thing (isn't the Goodwill Bridge enough?). I just don't know, the Labor Government has burned me in the past, and I'm not the type to forget in a hurry (why do you think I research all of my choices now).

I'm sure many of my friends who support these parties will flood my Facebook page will all sorts of well-meaning advice, and hopefully we might see a fight or two as well (and me without my popcorn, le sigh). I'm sure over the next fortnight I'll continue to research, hem and haw over my Big Decision, when really it probably doesn't count for anything anyway.

This is the sort of BS I've been getting. Not cool Rod.

Safe Schools - So much stupid...

I LOVE the original idea of Safe Schools, which was to make life easier for transgender/homosexual/etc children and educate everyone so that we can all live together with tolerance and respect.

Now our wonderful PM has decided to review this great inititive, because a bunch of closed-minded idiots are afraid of "indoctrination". Are you serious? What infuriates me more are some of the beyond idiotic Facebook comments, saying "Kids should be taught to harden up and stop sooking" and "Why can't they just conform?" Oh. My. Fucking. Glob. I have stated in previous blogs that the "suck it up and conform" attitude HAS FUCKING KILLED A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE PAST 100 YEARS, but no one seems to give a crap.

Not even 50 years ago, if you were homosexual/trans/etc, you either had to hide it (along with the depression and anxiety that came with it) or face so much abuse that your life wasn't worth living. And people want these attitudes to come BACK?! No! People go on about how "soft" children are nowadays - BULLSHIT. They're just as tough as they ever were, now they're just being taught that they have a right of feel safe and live a life free from presecution and fear. They're being taught that it's not right to abuse someone for being different. They're being taught that they DON'T have to "suck it up" and they're being taught that their actions, including their words, have consequences. 50 years ago, if you bullied someone, they more than likely lead a painful, short, solitary life and you got away with it. It just infuriates me that people think that this sort of ideal is okay!

It makes me even angrier because I've been there. I've been bullied, ostracised, alone, and I'm still paying the price for it, simply because I was born with the genetic flaw known as autism. People from 50-60 years ago are STILL paying the price for the bullying they copped as children. And yet we still blame the victims, and try to block any means of educating potential bullies so that they don't become bullies. This is just mind-boggling to me.

What. Fucking. Morons.

My Relationship with the Church

Days without bad eating habits: 45
Feeling: Middling
Anxiety Level: I'm surprised Selective Mutism hasn't kicked in yet
Activity Level: Giving in to all my exercise cravings - so much walking!

So here I am, back at the Laundromat, one of my magic points.  On the way to the Laundromat, I drive past a Catholic Chruch, and driving past one of those on a Sunday morning brings back memories.

You see, technically I'm a Catholic. Not a very good Catholic mind, I haven't been to Church in nearly 5 years (except for one trip to a Mormon Church but let's just forget that ever happened - apologies to any Mormons reading) and I'm not really sure where I stand with God. Sometimes it's easy to accept what atheists say, because they make a hell of a lot of sense, but something inside me just won't make the full conversion (sorry to all my atheist friends out there).

In fact, driving past a Church on a Sunday morning almost makes me want to rejoin the Church again - but why? Most of the time I spend in Church having theological arguments with myself, which I think is rather rude when you're trying to worship someone (apologies to my Catholic friends). It's like I'm the ultimate fence-sitter, unable to fully commit to either side. Is it the sense of community I miss? Am I just chasing after lost memories of my youth? Have I been brainwashed?

So what do I believe in then, seeing as I can't make up my mind on the whole higher-power thing? After thinking it through carefully, I think I've narrowed it down to three things:

1. I believe in storytelling
2. I believe in music
3. I believe in magic

I think that's enough for me to believe in right now while I make up my mind on the whole God thing. I'm sure He doesn't mind and would rather I make an informed choice with all the facts available.

Top 5 Tear Jerkers.

When it comes to sad parts in movies and books, I am the biggest sook alive. I will bawl my eyes out, especially at these five tear-jerkers. WARNING: Feels and spoilers!!

5. Liza Comes Home, "Dicey's Song" by Cynthia Voigt

Tell me, how would you suppose a six-year-old would react when he sees a tiny box and is told his mother is in there? Sammy Tillerman delivers the heartbreaking "But it's too small!" when he sees the wooden box holding his mothers ashes, and I'm blubbering away like a fountain.

4. Tate Markham Comes Home, "On The Jellicoe Road" by Melina Marchetta

What is it with mothers and coming home that's so freaking sad? Taylor Markham hasn't seen her mother since she was eleven, and when she finally DOES get to see her, her mother is riddled with cancer and dying. Just dump a big bucket of feels on my head why don't you?!

3. Abysina Henry, "M*A*S*H"

Nope. Nopity Nope Nope Noping NOPE. You can't do this. Not to Henry. Not to the beloved leader of the 4077th. Just the shock ending of the episode after the jubilation of Henry going home marked a huge turning point in the show. Childhood innocence - GONE.

2. Littlefoots Mother, "The Land Before Time"

Even THINKING about this one gets my eyes watering. The too-real portrayal of Littlefoot finding his dying mother then trying to cope with the days afterwards is just too much and Don Bluth had NO RIGHT to do that to us at such a tender age.

1. Nephrites death, "Sailor Moon"

HE WAS TRYING TO CHANGE. HE WAS TRYING TO CHANGE FOR MOLLY. He'd only just learned how to love and care for another human being and his life was taken away from him! YOU MONSTERS! How could you do that?! How could you do that to Molly?! It's not fair!

Now if you excuse me, I need to go and invest in some Kleenex.

No. No. NO. NO NO NO NO! GIVE HIM BACK!

My Obsession: Lord of the Dance

Days without bad eating habits: 36
Feeling: Either extremely anxious, deeply depressed or overly optimistic. Almost normal for me really O_O'
Anxiety Level: All over the shop
Activity Level: Moderate

What a week. The Mental Health System in this country is a fucking trainwreck - it only looks at the past 4 weeks, not whether or not you have any long-term mental issues. Seriously makes getting preventative help hard. Didn't help that the doctor not only complained bitterly when I told him what I needed ("This will take forever and I'm supposed to finish in 10 minutes!" Well get your fucking act together and get to your appointments on time and you won't have that issue will you?) then laughed at me when I told him I'm pretty much scared or anxious 100% of the time. Yay professionalism! Of course, that triggered an attack and I spent the afternoon chilling out at Kangaroo Point until I cheered up. Got chapter 64 of Chuckles and Giggles finished though!

Anyway, enough about that. Anyone who knows me knows I am obsessed with Irish Dancing, specifically Michael Flateleys "Lord of the Dance" and to a lesser extent, "Riverdance".  Most music is like a drug to me, this stuff (combined with the beautiful dancing that's hypnotic to watch) is far beyond that. I swear the opening, a simple flute piece, could wake me from a coma in a heartbeat. "Warriors" always leaves me breathless, "Breakout" always leaves me with a grin on my face, "Stolen Kiss" always has me in tears and the titular dance, "Lord of the Dance" (which starts with the second half of "Stolen Kiss") does all of the above.

When I saw "Dangerous Games" live late last year, I felt like my heart was ripped into shreds when it ended, especially as it ended with the original "Lord of the Dance" piece. I kept silently begging for them to dance one more time. The power it had over me was almost unbearable, yet so irresistable that I wanted more. The only thing better than seeing it would be to be able to dance to those beautiful melodies. Never going to happen, but I can dream.

"Riverdance" is a different kettle of fish, there are only 2-3 tracks from there that get my heart racing anywhere near the way that something like "Warriors" does. "Firedance" is easily my favourite, the combination of Flamenco and Irish Dancing makes me want to get up and move. "Reel Around the Sun" does its job as an opening well, and the titular track "Riverdance" has so much variation in it that it almost lives up to "Firedance".

Overall, just about anything to do with Irish Dancing will keep me excited. So I'll leave you with my favourite piece of all, and remember to keep dancing!