Self-esteem. The measure of your own self-worth, your ability to love and like yourself, to believe good things about yourself.
Yeah, I don't have it. Seriously, my self-esteem is so broken I flinch when complimented, and if anyone says anything to really pump me up (like my poor unfortunate boss tries to do) I completely recoil and can't process it. It physically hurts to accept a compliment.
Of course, I mask this well by having great self-confidence, but there's a huge difference between KNOWING you can do something and BELIEVING you are good enough to do something. Unfortunately, it's a case of having to fake it 'til you make it, but as anyone with an anxiety-based disorder will tell you, the task is compounded by a constant fear and anxiety - how the hell are you supposed to believe in yourself and value yourself when you're always scared? Of course, then you get frustrated with yourself and that doesn't exactly help matters either.
One thing I always try to hold on to are my friends and family, particularly my brilliant coworkers who I know believe in me and try not to let me fall. I'm exceptionally lucky to work in a place where I can be open about my mental illness and know that I will be supported. It's a start in rebuilding my self-esteem - I'm sure I'll get there one day.
Heavens to Murgatroid I can not be the only one who has a theme song that they belt out daily before they get to work/school/whatevs. A theme song is a song that defines you at that point in your life, that announces to people that you're here, and this is who you are. So here's a few of my previous theme songs!
2001-2005 "Runaway" by Linkin Park
I WAS A TEENAGER! A drastically misunderstood teenager, but a teenager none-the-less. The dream of leaving Oakey for the big city in Brisbane pretty much started here, and I spent many nights dreaming of the day I would run away from that miserable place and the people in it. Trust me, I'm not the only one who wants out of there.
2005-2011 "Rollin'" by Limp Bizkit
My favourite wrestler of all time is definitely the Undertaker, and I loved his "American Badass" persona. I was coming out of my teen days and was going through a tough relationship, so I needed something that made me feel invincible.
2011-2014 "Escape From The City" by Ted Poley
This song always makes me think of the great 2012 and the even better 2013 I had. I had just left my ex and I was ready to break free and take on the city. Nothing was going to stop me. Except 2014, but that's another story.
2014-present "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)" by Nine Days
2014 SUCKED, and it ended with a mental breakdown. So now I'm the girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. Hopefully even though I look so sad in photographs someone absolutely loves me (and hopefully it's the guy who I'm currently harbouring a crush on. Nope, not naming names, and it's not Joel Patfull for once!). After all, my whole point of existing is to make people smile.
Let us go to the school yard. An average school yard in an average suburb. Here, we find Fred. Fred has been picked on by a small group of bullies for a while now. Most of the time he can just brush it off, but when they go and pick on children smaller than him, he gets upset. He's often been to the teachers about it, and while they've managed to help make the group of bullies smaller, they've not quite been able to stamp them out yet. One day, Fred manages to completely one-up this group of bullies, calling them out on their bullshit and making it as clear as day what's going on. Suddenly, Fred finds himself under attack from just about every student in the school. And this goes on for months.
Sound familiar? Would you accept this if you were a student at Freds school? Would you participate in the systematic bullying that began to plague the poor child?
This is what has happened to Adam Goodes. Simply for having a voice and using it to try and bring a very serious issue to light, he's now being beaten down by the fans of our once-great sport.
Let me make this clear: If Adam Goodes, or any other player, takes a shot for goal at the Gabba, he's fair game for a good booing (I still reckon with a bit of work us Lions fans can generate enough booing power to start affecting goal accuracy). If Adam Goodes, or any other player, during the course of a game, takes out one of my boys (ESPECIALLY Joel Patfull or Justin Clarke), then he will suffer booing until the end of the game. If Adam Goodes, or any other player, ducks their head within the last 20 seconds of the last game of the season and doesn't get pinged for it causing us to lose by a point and our chance at finals I WILL NEVER FORGIVE PAUL CHAPMAN OR MCBURNEY! Sorry, forgot myself there for a second. The point of this paragraph is that there are some good reasons to boo a player within the context of the game. Hell, even turning traitor and racking off to another Club should earn a player a welcome booing when he gets back home (another reason why you never, ever see me attend a Lions/Giants game ever again).
In the situations above though, the booing should realistically end after the final siren, or be done by only one team. Not multiple teams across multiple games every time the poor bloke touches the footy. I can understand maybe the Carlton fans having a go from now on (they were on the receiving end of the war dance after all, which I still think is great theatre and needs to be seen more. Where are the Irish jigs as well?!), but what has Adam Goodes done to the Lions (well, apart from completely destroying us every time he plays us), the Eagles, the Scums, North, Richmond or Hawthorn?
I hear the argument that "He shouldn't be using AFL for this sort of thing." And to that I say well, what about Indigenous Round, Multicultural Round, Womens Round? What about the many causes that get played for during the year, like teams who play to support the Police, or even recently the Riewoldt family using the Richmond/Saints game as a vehicle to support those who suffer from bone marrow disease? Footy is supposed to bring people together, it's supposed to be a place where no matter what colours you wear, when one of us suffers, the rest come in and support them. We saw the greatest example of this when Phil Walsh tragically died. The AFL community came together so strongly and it's even just about ended the decades-long bitter hostilities between the two most hated rivals of the game.
So why aren't we getting around Adam Goodes? I'd hazard a guess and say he's feeling pretty isolated at the moment. He's trying to do the right thing by others, and stick up for those who might not be able to defend themselves (pretty Australian if you ask me). I have to ask, if you're not racist, then why does it offend you so much that he's making the big deal out of it that needs to be made? People really need to ask themselves what they get out of booing, because "because he's a cheap, sniping player" isn't cutting it. As far as I'm concerned, the Paul Chapmans/Selwoods/Lindsay Thomases/Brent Harveys/Hayden Ballantynes/Chris Judds/Scums (wow, I really don't like a lot of players, especially the entire Cold Toast Scums team) aren't worth the waste of breath (although on the day of the Torp back in 2012 I used the Port-coloured Record cover to wipe my seat. Satisfying).
So Adam, if on the off-chance you read this, don't give up. As Ghandi once said:
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." Also, could you please go easy on the Giants? Thanks!
I really don't have the attention span to watch TV. Sometimes if I'm in the mood I'll sit down and watch an episode or two of something (usually M*A*S*H, Miranda, Red Dwarf, Blackadder, Naruto, Neon Genesis Evangelion, DragonBall/Z, Zoids, or if I'm REALLY in the mood, How I Met Your Mother) but I really, REALLY need to be in the mood, otherwise I'll get bored part of the way in and go and do something else (mainly lie in bed and think all sorts of interesting thoughts or go for a walk and think all sorts of interesting thoughts - I think I might spend a little too much time in my own noggin). Don't get me started on movies, my tolerance for them died off around my 22nd birthday which is when I discovered walking. Even before then my mind used to wander while lounging around the cinema snuggled up to my ex (and I even fell asleep during Avatar. I suck, I know). If I'm going to have any external entertainment, music or books are my poison of choice. With a book, you need to create the pictures and sounds yourself in your own head, and with music you can dance, unlike a television show or movie where it's all done for you and all you need to do is just sit there and watch.
That being said, as a child I did get through a fair amount of TV, and I do have favourite shows and characters. Here are my top 5 TV characters:
5. Shinji Ikari (Neon Genesis Evangelion)
A lot of people think Shinji is a whiny brat. Well, technically they're right, but given everything that he goes through throughout the events of Neon Genesis Evangelion, I think he has a right to be. Abandoned by his father, who only ever sees him as a tool to get what he wants, psychologically manipulated into being an Eva pilot against the horrifying Angels (including one that absorbs him and Unit 01, sending him on a mega mind-trip), not to mention the pressure to defeat them lest they destroy humanity. That's on top of the usual crap that boys his age have to go through (puberty isn't easy on boys either you know!) and overall I think Shinji handles it pretty well. Especially in the original ending to the series!
4. Seras Victoria (Hellsing/Hellsing Ultimate)
This Draculina is BAD ASS with a captial BAD ASS. Able to wield giant guns and cannons, beat up guys with her little finger and smear Nazi heads along walls like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, she's also very much a bit of comic relief from the dramatics of Alucard and Sir Integra. One of my favourite moments is when she firsts encounters Jan Valentine - and totally destroys him. Another favourite moment is when she guides some tourists between Alucard and Alexander Anderson to prevent them from fighting and destroying a museum. This spot could have easily have gone to Walter had he not betrayed the Hellsing organization.
3. Vegeta (DragonBall Z)
He's powerful, arrogant and clever, and easily the character who goes through the biggest transformation in the DBZ Universe. He goes from an evil bastard to just being a bastard, but a bastard who surprisingly enough loves his family and would do anything to protect them. Vegeta and Bulma are another one of my favourite 'ships, and I think they go well together, as neither of them are "pure of heart" (as Bulma proved when it was shown that she couldn't use the Flying Nimbus), yet still manage to be good people. His part in the defeat of Cell is one of my favourite moments, and I definitely shed a tear when he blew himself up against Majin Buu
2. Edward (Thomas the Tank Engine)
Oh leave me alone. If you follow me on Instagram (@kezzstar24) you know I have a thing for trains. I love the designs of the original Thomas the Tank Engine trains, and I love the models as well. Edward for me however remains a bit of an inspiration. He's old, should be worn out, yet is wise and hard-working, forever patient and does his job better than any other engine. I'm just furious they nerfed him in later episodes. One of my favourite episodes is when James abuses him, calling him old, and then has to be saved by Edward after a couple of kids get into his controls and set him off down the rails. Suck that James.
1. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce (M*A*S*H)
Like you DIDN'T see this coming! Not only is Hawkeye played by Alan Alda (who was GORGEOUS in his prime), but the character is so well-written and complex that I can't help but love him. He's funny, but that in part is a coping mechanism to the horror he sees daily, which he manages to be compassionate in spite of. He's not afraid to stand up for what he believes in, and will help those in need regardless of race, religion, gender. He's far from perfect, being a sexist, womanising alcoholic who eventually learns to have some respect for the female gender (thank you Margaret).
Of course, who can forget his greatest moment of all:
"Draftees of the world arise! You have nothing to lose but your cookies!"
1. You and your cat have an armed truce over lap space
WILL YOU MOVE I'M TRYING TO WRITE A BOOK HERE!
2. If you have a late night, everyone assumes it's because you were writing
And they almost never stop to think you might actually go out or even have a sex life.
3. Your family/friends/coworkers know the plot to your story and have never read a word
They even know when you're about to start talking about your book, and their eyes sort of glaze over and it's like, are you even LISTENING to me?!
4. You have the stupidest conversations about the most random things
Why didn't the chicken cross the railway tracks instead?
5. I was writing and I forgot
And it's your own fault if you catch a cold because you left your scarf at home.
6. You know you suck, but you just can't stop!
Let's face it, I'm probably the shittest writer in the world, no one reads my work and I'll never be rich and famous. But damnit, I have my own universe and you don't so NEH NEH NEH NEH!!!!
Big thanks to my mate Haso (although he's probably getting his legal team together right now) for reminding me that I have a blog. Check him out.
Anyway, I thought I'd write something here because that's what I do. I write, therefore I am. It's what makes me, me. My love of words (not all English either, I've become very partial to Japanese honorifics recently - hi Joelly-kun!) and sharing ideas seems to be endless. Of course, it's not all fun and games, especially when I'm all like "HEY! LOOK AT ME AND READ WHAT I HAVE WRITTEN! Guys? GUYS?!" Maybe I should start kidnapping people and forcing them to read my blogs and stories. Of course, then the challenge would be getting them to engage in dialogue about what I've written outside of "It was good." My eye is twitching just thinking about it.
ANYWAY yesterday I went to the Scums v Giants game at Metripong stadium. I don't know what was more exciting, catching up with my hero Joelly Patfull, meeting some of the other Giants players/coaches (including ex Lions Craig Lambert and Luke Power), joining in and helping with the Giants cheer squad or the two wins that both the reserve team and the main team managed to score. If you had told me back in 2013 that one day not only would I be a Giants member, but I'd actually be sort of fond of them outside of the obvious player, I probably would have punched you (and you would have laughed, seriously, even flies laugh at me). Yet here I am, tossing up whether or not it's worth remaining a partial supporter of the Giants even after Joel retires.
Part of me thinks it's because of the newness of it all, it's like when I first became a Lions fan, learning about all of the players, finding out my favourites (Phil Davis, Cam McCarthy, Jon Patton and Devon Smith), meeting other fans and most of all winning (oh come on, like you really didn't think the winning wasn't a part of it). Yet for all the "Yay Giants" I'm feeling at the moment, there's still an element of "You're a big, fat, ugly, scum-sucking traitor." I love the Brisbane Lions. They will always be my first love. The ones that really got me into my favourite game. The ones who I followed around for a year. They're the favourites, and yet here I am having a fling with another club because of one player?
Maybe I got too involved at the Lions. Maybe I started taking it too seriously. Maybe following the Giants has actually been a blessing in disguise, allowing me to separate myself from a club that to be honest probably wasn't too good for me.
I know Bigfooty isn't the font of intelligence (emotional or otherwise) so I shouldn't be shocked when people call players who might be mentally affected by their surroundings "soft", or when people get riled up because the AFL wants to make the game safer for players. but seriously, it still pisses me off no end.
The fact is, sexism and gender stereotypes don't just hurt women. They hurt men too. The one that I'm worried about in this blog though is the stereotypes surrounding mens emotions. They're supposed to be tough, unfeeling, never crying or complaining. Nothing affects them, especially not to the extent that it does those silly, weak, pathetic women. Men are impenetrable, emotionally robust and they don't bow to anything.
Yeah, right. The mens suicide rates disagree completely with that. Before you old folks start deriding the younger generations as "soft" (gahhhh!) check this out - mens suicide rates have always been high. In other words, men have always had emotions. They've always felt pain, felt helpless, uncertain, sad, miserable, weak, lonely. Exactly the same as their female counterparts. The issue is though is that stereotypically men can't talk about their emotions, for fear of being seen as "soft" (grrrr!) and being mocked, making things worse. I mean, look at the suicide rates around 1930, between World War One and Two. Imagine how many men were distraught with what they'd seen at war, seeing their mates killed in front of them, and how they couldn't just talk to anyone about it because it just wasn't done. The problems that we are plainly aware of - things like domestic disputes, mental illness, depression, drug/alcohol addiction, they were all there, but they were hidden away because that's what society stated was the standard.
Thankfully, we live in a more enlightened time where people who ridicule males have no where to hide - or so we should. Why is the male suicide rate still so high? Why isn't a bigger deal being made out of this? Because the same people who are laughing at women with veiled sexism are doing the EXACT same thing to men, thinking that they're pumping men up when in fact they are hurting men badly. Men shouldn't feel bad for reaching out. They shouldn't be scorned for crying. The worst people for this though are the ones who SHOULD know better, the older males who lived through those high suicide rates and who more than likely have a friend who has killed themselves, unable to see a way out.
It's time to make things perfectly clear. Men are not emotionless powerhouses and women are not emotional weaklings. We are all human, who can be happy, sad, strong, weak, as we go through our lives. Let's give men a chance to get the help they need, just as we're trying to give women the strength to pull alongside them. Sexism hurts both genders - and is potentially killing off one.
